Rating Shit That Happened To Me In The Last Year

Well, I’m gonna try to force this into my schedule since I will be in Vegas next week without all of you (except Joanna). So Tuesday is the day when I normally do this thing where I rank different things like breakfast cereals, my nicknames or ways to get money illegally. Since I haven’t talked to all of you in a year, I thought I’d recap my life for you this Tuesday.

Shit That Happened To Me In The Last Year

Moved out of the city – Thank God! As cool as it is to walk to and back from Howl At the Moon without worrying about not getting too fucked up to drive home, at some point you miss the comfort that running water can give to you. And I think toward the end, my roommates just gave up on the whole cleaning thing. I walked in my kitchen and turned the light on and it looked like a fruit fly experiment. Also, my roommate’s bedroom caved in because of a leak in the bathroom, so we stopped paying rent and got taken to rent court… I’ll explain all this later. A-

Got conked in the head with a line drive – Yeah, so I was playing third base in my D level old man softball league and I misjudged a ball and the distance I could leap from the ground, etc, etc. The ball hit me so hard I think the left fielder ran in and almost caught it. Everybody around me was seriously worried that I’d suffer some sort of brain damage. I spent all night making sure I could remember the names of all these famous celebrities (I read this thing in my class about proper name anemia). “Shit! Who was that third guy from Three Men and a Baby? Oh crap, I can’t remember him! Wait, that was Steve Guttenberg. Nobody remembers him. OK, I’m fine.” But I do have a permanent flat spot on my skull. That’s kinda fucked up. D

Kevin moved back to the Philly area – It’s pretty sad that one of the most major changes in my life is that somebody else did something exciting. So Kevin called me on Wednesday to tell me he decided to move back into town. “Really, when?” “Friday.” So he packed his crap Friday and left Oregon for good. It must be nice to be so far in debt that it doesn’t matter what the fuck you do anymore. A+

Was a groomsman in John and Rachel’s wedding – This was easy. All I had to do was put on a tux and show up to a church on time. The brides maids had all this hair stuff and transportation and whatnot to worry about. I just had to wash the mud out of my hair and fingernails from the football game and walk John’s grandma down the isle and sit down for an hour. They make it really easy on the guys probably because they know how incompetent we are when it comes to important things. So anyway, congrats J&R and thanks. A+

The following quote was actually taken directly from John’s wedding program and the reason I am using it is because it describes my relationship not only with him but also the other 249 people on this list. Anyway, so John had a few sentences about everybody in his wedding and here is an excerpt from mine…

Quote Of the Day 3/16/04

“…Dustin orbits in and out of my life at regular, comet-like intervals…”

-John and Rachel’s Wedding Program

If that doesn’t describe my relationship with you here, then it probably will once you graduate from UMBC.

See you in another 76 years,

Dustin Haley.

Still Standing Right Here…

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