The Stupidbowl 2008
I hate Eli Manning. It’s true. It may be completely unjustified and unreasonable but I can’t help it. Even more than I hate Tom “Condoms Are For Losers” Brady. Since draft day four years ago, I have never wanted anyone to fail at life more than him. This includes people who have done me actual wrong, such as ex-girlfriends, evil credit collection agencies and the ass hole bartender at Steinkellers who cards me every time just to piss me off and then will tell Bill his money is no good there. We come in together all the damn time! I’ve been in there at least 50 times, ass hole.
Anyway, this Superbowl ruins all that. Even on the rare weekend when Eli didn’t suck at life, I could always hang my hat on the success of San Diego and the fact that all his bitching and whining about the wrong team drafting him first overall got him in the world’s most critical market on a team that sucked. And I lost a little respect for Chris Berman that day too. He talked about how classy Eli was by holding up the San Diego jersey even though the world knew that he (nay – his dad) didn’t want to play in San Diego. What the hell else was he going to do!? Throw it down on the ground and take a dump on it? Light it on fire and yell “Fuck you and your silly draft rules, Paul Tabliabue! I’ll play for the team my dad wants me to play for!” No, what he did was far more spineless and cowardly. He was the George Bush of the NFL. He got his dad and big brother to fix it. “Wah! I don’t want to play in San Diego! Wah! The country voted for the wrong guy. I’m telling my dad! Him and my brother can fix it.” And then Eli lied to the UN and started bombing other NFL teams based on improper intel. What a dick.
Apparently the Mannings are the Corleones of the NFL. Archie gave San Diego an offer they couldn’t refuse. And that is the day I grew to hate that damn look on Eli’s face. Like Screech could probably go up and steal his lunch money from him and elbow him in the face and he wouldn’t do anything if his dad wasn’t around. And things looked so good until this year. Eli has more interceptions than anyone in the league and he gets throw around and beat up like a scared little rag doll every night on SportsCenter. But not anymore. Now he has a Superbowl and no matter what happens from now on, he’ll always be able to say that. And there goes my argument. It turns our Archie and the Giants knew what they were doing. And I hate them for it. I’m still going to steal his lunch money. If there’s any left after Tiki Barber sees him.
QOTD credits: Dave Walker – (Tom “Condoms Are For Losers” Brady)