Twenty Year Itch

Dorkin it up, Original G-style with the Stu-man

Dorkin it up, Original G-style with the Stu-man

Tomorrow is my twenty year high school reunion and I’ll be flying solo without my wife for various reasons or my daughter for only one reason. And yes, the thought of going to my reunion has caused me a bit of insomnia this week. I don’t know why; it doesn’t really come out and shout say “You’re awake because you’re worried about having to tell everyone who thought they were better than you back in high school just how unemployed you are!” Though if it did speak, I could see it saying something like that. When I imagine a conversation, it goes something like this:

Hey Fish! Great to see you! Whatcha doin these days?
I’m staying home with my daughter.
Dude, that’s awesome! So you’re working nights?
No. I’m at home raising my child.
That’s cool man. Working from home.
Yeah, something like that.

I suppose one of my concerns is how people at large will judge me for being an at-home dad. And by “judge me,” I of course mean the facial expressions I will falsely interpret from them just before they go “Oh, that’s cool, man.” In all likelihood, I won’t be judged much at all by anyone – at least not negatively. All of that will probably be coming from my very insecure brain. I just worry what I’m going to feel after a conversation starts with “Me? Well, I went to the college I wanted to, got the job I wanted and do the things I love in the massive amount of free time I have with my perfect spouse and/or children. Here are two thousand pictures on my iPhone.”

I really don’t know what I’m worried about. Really, nothing that I’m cognizant of. I’m looking forward to seeing some people I will likely never see again and that’s why I’m doing the hustle and cracking open the piggy bank to get there. After twenty years, I’m still in decent shape and not completely sore on the eyes. And yet, I sit awake at 3:30am for some reason. Maybe I still owe five bucks to Chad Johr that I have suppressed deep in my memory. Or maybe I don’t want to see the five or so girls who broke my heart by turning me down on the date I never worked up the courage to ask them out on. Or maybe I just don’t want to talk about how impossible it is to make it in film and standup comedy to people who have succeeded in becoming whatever it is they wanted to become.

The truth is I am quite happy, despite the failed dreams, bouts of insomnia and lack of income. This phase of my life hasn’t quite leveled out yet, but there are good things waiting once the turbulence subsides, if that ever happens. But I’m at least looking forward to showing off pictures of my beautiful wife and adorable daughter. And to catching up with friends I haven’t seen in five or ten or twenty years. And maybe for at least one of those five girls to admit they had an unrequited crush on me too. That would be nice.

The Breaking Bad Finale: Exposed!

breaking bad smokeWARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!! Yes, I’m that confident.

I know what’s going to happen on the last episode of Breaking Bad and I just want it on public record so people can look back at this on Monday in the way that we look at shit the Mayans did before their time, with the obvious glaring exception of predicting the end of the world. So I’m posting this online DAYS before the finale. And no, I was not given a script, just my impressive skills of observation and intellect.

  1. Walt will turn that Scarface-issue machine gun on the Arian Brotherhood. Who the hell else is there to use it on at this point? And they’re all gonna die. Todd will not understand why, even after Walt explains it.
  2. Walt will do this in an effort to free Jesse. And he will succeed. Jesse has spent the better part of the last two episodes getting poked in an open wound both literally and figuratively by not just Walt and the Nazis, but by the writers. Just like Hank’s death after his phone call to Marie, this torturous rut he’s been in is to set up a change of fortune. And that machine gun is the only logical way out now.
  3. Why is Walt doing this? Because he lost his real family as evident in last episode with Flynn’s phone rant. He can’t get them back and won’t. And he’s treated Jesse like more of a son than Flynn for the last couple years anyway. So if he didn’t do “all this” for his real family, he’ll at least do it for Jesse.
  4. Lydia and Todd will tragically never fall in love.
  5. The money will be burned by somebody for some reason. There’s nothing else to do with it. Jesse doesn’t want it. Walt’s family doesn’t want it. The Nazis will all be dead. Walt will be dead. Charities can’t use it and the DEA will just sit on it and that’s boring. Possibly by Walt in the bottom of that pit they’ve been keeping Jesse. Todd will also be in there with it.
  6. Here’s where it starts to get foggy. The Rison is probably for Lydia. She’s had tea in every single scene she’s been in. It’s ripe for a Rison-poisoning. BUT! It might be for him. I’ll give it a 70/30 chance between the two. But I think he wants to off Lydia to “tie up loose ends” like the producers have said they’ve done. HOWEVER! Wouldn’t it be a neat scene between him and Lydia if he poisoned her tea while having his own and she switched the tea on him and it turns out THEY WERE BOTH POISONED?!?!? WHAT?! Sorry about blowing your mind. You may not have been ready for that.
  7. Marie may or may not forgive Skyler. Probably not, but I’m not sure. Honestly, I don’t care too much.
  8. Badger and Skinny Pete adopt Brock and in five years, form a Mariachi Band. Spin off?
  9. While making their escape, Jesse asks Walt “Is there gas in the car?” to which Walt replies “Yes, there’s gas in the car,” honoring the greatest Steely Dan song to ever be written about the guy who created Crystal Meth. Whether or not they play Kid Charlemagne in the background is the only element up in the air. Or maybe the song is about LSD. No matter.

Other things may also happen since it’s an hour long show. But those things don’t matter. And you know that. So what do you think is gonna happen?