Quick Inside Slant:
by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).
The Book of Eli: I will hate Eli Manning until the day that I die for the mess he made on draft day back in 2004, proving that if you have a father and older brother with political clout and whine loud enough that you can buck the system and get your way. Actually, we still remembered that lesson from Election Day 2002, but we already knew politics could be bought. But not the mighty shield! What’s left to believe in? Susan G. Komen?
That said, he has sadly proven that he is a good quarterback this year. And it pains me to admit it on many, many levels. No one has rooted for his failure more than I have over the last 7 years. He has not only a Superbowl MVP, but a play. You know it. And there’s unfortunately nothing anybody can do to change that. The screaming fist pump has replaced the frumpy-shouldered pouty-face that defined his first 4 years.
A Man Named Brady: I really have nothing against Tom Brady. He’s a good-looking guy, but he can’t help that. He married a supermodel, but last I heard, they also age. And Bill Belichick has channeled his inner-Howie Mandel this past week for some reason. They are such a good coach-quarterback combo that despite being outmatched in every facet of the game, they are still favored by 3. That’s how scared the book-makers and the greater public are to bet against the Brady/Belichick package. And yes, I managed to make you think about Tom Brady’s package.
Root of the Problem: So who am I rooting for? Well, the schadenfreude part of me would really like to see frumpy-pants one more time. Tom Brady loses like a man and that’s no fun to see on SportsCenter for 7 months. And mostly, I want to shut up the “us against the world” Giants idiots who apparently haven’t seen this.
What world? 6 of 8 experts picked you guys, dipshits. Stop whining and play the damn game. I’m really hoping you’ll lose so at the press conference you’ll have to say “well, I guess the world was right.” Go Pats.
Predictions: I’m glad I’m not stupid enough to put money on this, because I would be flipping a coin. I have made an unofficial vow to never bet against New England as long as the Brady/Belichick/Kraft combo is there. And yes, I’m throwing in the owner. He’s earned it. But the Giants seem to be their kryptonite. They’re the only team with a winning record against the Pats since Mo Lewis changed the world in 2001 (on the first game after 9/11, for you conspiracy theorists). A lot of teams try to set up their teams to beat other teams in their conference (Texans taking Mario Williams to take on Peyton Manning; Eagles keeping three all-star cornerbacks to stack up against the Saints & Packers spread offenses), but the Giants have developed a team just to beat the Patriots. Or so it seems, as evidenced by their 9-7 record and two losses to the Crapskins this year.
All that nonsense said, I’m dancing with the men that brought me here. I’m convinced that no matter how badly overmatched the Patriots are, Belichick will find a way to pull a rabbit out of his sweatshorts. Wow, that was a disgusting visual. Sorry. I could easily see the Giants falling behind by three touchdowns early in the second quarter. That would never happen to the Pats. So I’ll take all my fake money and go with the Pats. Again.
Other predictions: In addition to the Pats avenging their only Superbowl loss in the Brady era (they lost to the 1985 Bears by 137), here are some other Superbowl predictions:
· At least 6 people at the party will say they only watch the game for the commercials (7 guys, 7 girls in attendance).
Cris Collinsworth will say something that makes perfect sense and improves your understanding of football, but because of the tone of his voice you will want to punch him in the throat. (Chris White
said it too well to change)
· I will wind up buying at least 60 squares again to make the board even.
· All the talk of those 4 defensive ends flying upfield to get Brady will be dampened by the no huddle that New England will be running.
· During the 9 ½ hours of Superbowl coverage, NBC will show the David Tyree catch 213 times.
· My Skyline Chili dip will be the new favorite dip of 3 people.
· I will get upset with at least two people who clearly don’t know football and try to pretend they do for one day a year.
- Note: One of them might be my wife.
- Other note: I won’t be invited back next year.