A Car Obituary

-From the Baltimore Sun’s Obituaries page, June 2, 1999-

Mobile Jr., Pimp

Of natural causes on Monday, May 31st, 1999, PIMP MOBILE JR., dark blue not-so-beloved vehicle of Dustin Fisher, with no real other relations and only 3 functional windows. Pimp Jr. was a ripe young 13 years of age when he suddenly suffered a blowby in his head gasket in a gas station in Columbia, MD Monday. Sources have not yet confirmed the cause of the vehicle’s sudden blowby, but Columbia-area mechanic, Earl, suggests that “this is just the way shit happens sometimes, dude.”

Earl added that he had trouble believing that the alleged “piece of shit lasted him this long.”

PIMP-MOBILE JR., also known as “That Stupid Car” and “Fucking Piece Of Shit,” will be missed by hardly anyone, as Dustin is reportedly “almost glad” to have to get rid of it. Friends may call at Smitty’s Scrap Metal and Tanning Salon, MD. 1212 W. Snake Belly Path, Columbia (behind the sewage plant), on Thursday 3 to 5 and 7 to 9. Wake service 8 P.M. Funeral Liturgy (Mass) on Friday, June 2 at 10 AM at St. Jude’s Community Church for the Damned, Scaggsville. Contributions may be made to The Pimp-Mobile Fund, Athletics and Recreation, UMBC, 1000 Hilltop Circle, Baltimore, MD 21250.

-End transcript-

Well, this quote came from a little while ago, back when I had a car. Last Tuesday, Tony and Chris and I went to Fells Point to celebrate their graduation. They got the luxury of drinking all they wanted and I didn’t, being the responsible designated driver that night. Well, another group of people that we had run into were arguing over who was soberest enough to drive back home. Tony told them something along the lines of “that’s why we brought Dustin.” To this, I muttered some disapproving retort of “So, that’s the only reason you brought me? Just so you could have somebody to drive you back?”…

Quote of the Day 6/2/99

“Not really. I also need to crash at your place.”

-Tony Tonal Toner

It’s nice to be loved. My outfits also make him look cooler.

Mourning Pimp Jr.’s death,

Widowed Cricket.

Still Standing Right Here…

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