The Big Spam E-mail Where I Call Out My Friends

The Big Spam E-mail Where I Call Out My Friends

It looks like it’s time for my annual spanking of the quote of the day list. You know how I usually do a movie review on Fridays? Well, this time, I’m doing a review on everybody’s recent behavior with respect to my quote list. And I’ll warn you, a lot of you won’t like this.

Mike “Angus” Durgin’s first response:
I knew doing a critique on The Phantom Menace would arouse a lot of opposition from people who liked the film. I was hoping it would stay under control. Mike was the first one to rock the proverbial e-mail boat. Though I NEVER appreciate anyone responding to all the people on my list (about 75% of which you’ve never heard of), especially to disagree with me, it was at least well written and topical. Possibly grammatically correct, I don’t remember. And it had no original intention of starting what it had started. Besides, he may not have been around last time this happened. 3 bugs.

Chris Foster:
I know you know better. But I know you’re a Star Wars freak and get a boner whenever anybody talks about it. I heard about the ETs, and though your insight is a little bit interesting and topical, just because Mike replied to the list doesn’t qualify it as a Star Wars chat group. There are people on this list from California and Tennessee who don’t know you, barely know me, and certainly don’t care about Star Wars. Make your own list please. If you have anything like that to share with anybody, tell me and I’ll give you credit for the comment when I mention it. I know it might sound egotistical of me, but you saw what it can do. 0 bugs, 1 quote probation.

Eric “Quez” Jacques:
OK. Eric is possibly my newest addition to the list and definitely didn’t know how annoyed I get at this kind of stuff. He’s just a guy from Jessup trying desperately to fit in. I’ll grant him a pardon. No rating.

Shannon “Tigress” Spence:
Sorry for being brutal Shannon, but that’s as annoying as it gets. And you should definitely know better. At least it wasn’t hurtful though. -3 bugs, 2 quotes suspension.

Andrew “Superproz” Prosnik:
I would have gotten to this earlier, but I was without a car, therefore unable to get to work to check my e-mail, and the computer was disassembled for a few days. Maybe a lot of this could have been avoided if I had checked my e-mail earlier. Anyway, he said most of what I wanted to say. Maybe it’s not by definition Spam, but it is annoying mail that you guys have been sending. And his point was that you were sending it to people you don’t even know. If you want to do this again, get a yahoo account and go to a chat room. Does anybody out there know who cc2017a@american.edu is? Do you think my mom and sister want to know if you saw Willow? I told you this might be cruel. I hate more than anything when people ask to be taken off the list because they get annoyed at all the pointless responses. I have to walk a thin line between being friends of the people that do this and trying to maintain order in my own mailing list. Anyway, I appreciate Proz trying to help me out in my own absence, but he still owes me a computer. 7 bugs.

Joe “Polish Prince/Prick” Kalinowski:
I recognize it as an insult, based on the fact that I know Joe… but I have no idea who it was directed toward. Proz? Me? Anybody willing to be offended by it? That’s never been your strong suit. Tact isn’t up there either. Now I have a question about why you want to pick this fight. What exactly is your motivation? Streets of Jessup quiet tonight? Basically, what you’re doing is fighting for Quez’s right to my list. I don’t get it, Joe. I’ll just assume you were drunk or something, but I don’t appreciate you picking on friends of mine for no reason other than just to be a bully. It was pointlessly degrading for a cause I’m not so sure you even really believe in. But I do owe you for that whole scam I pulled on you last year when I e-mailed everybody from your account telling them you were gay. -5 1/2 bugs, no probation.

Tim Wood:
Bravo, Tim. Tim was the subject of something like this that happened last year, and he now knows what kind of harm anarchy can cause. And he didn’t even really offend anybody either. And he doesn’t owe me a computer. 8 bugs, 4 gold stars.

Steve “Weed” Phillips:
I have virtually nothing left to say after that excellent grasp of what the quote list has historically been about. Weed does, however, have the advantage of having been with the list from conception, so he has seen all the ups and downs and the ins and outs and the backs and forths of what happens when crap like this… happens. But then again, so have Shannon and Foster. But I tigress… At any rate, Weed hit the head right in the nose on several occasions. First of all, I know all of you have a quote of the day application, and that was given out for a reason. Secondly, this is not a Star Wars Fan Club or Jar-Jar Binks Hate Club chat room. There are other places for that where people actually want to hear about it. My third and major point, which Weed touched on, but didn’t express completely, is this: This is my list. No one on here knows everybody on here except me. Hell, there are about 10 or 15 people on here I don’t even know. People have sent me messages saying that they heard about how funny my quotes are or how well I write, and there is no greater moment than getting one of those messages. This list is my hobby and my life. I have spent about 4 1/2 years building this social group of people who enjoy getting these messages from me daily (yeah, I know). Or at least a select group of people who don’t mind it. If any of you don’t want to be on my list, I’ll understand, but I like writing and this gives me an opportunity to do so. I have a following who likes to hear from me. For those of you unable to appreciate it, I apologize and I have a feeling I’ll be getting a few requests of people that want to be removed from this list after this message. But this is what I’m dealing. If any of you have something to tell everybody you know, tell everybody you know. My list is like a possession of mine, and I’m very possessive. Just ask my ex-girlfriends. Hell, I think they’re all on here. But a lot of people get annoyed, and it’s more than just hitting the delete key. Especially when the messages are degrading toward other people on the list. Well, I think I’ve said enough for now. I hope you can all understand where I’m coming from. And Weed had another thing right. I’m using this list as a foundation for at least a book and a website, and hopefully, possibly, a future stand up routine. It means more to me than you guys think. When I look back at my life, the quote of the day will tell the story of it. I know a lot of you can’t appreciate that, but at least humor me. If you have any comments for me, mail them to me and me only please. Thank you. 10 bugs and a medal of honor.

Tony Harris:
Boy, is this hard. For a few reasons. On one hand, he responded to the entire list like I hate, but on the other hand, it was funny, which is exactly what the quote of the day was founded on. On one hand, he offended Proz, who tried to take matters into his own hands maturely by e-mailing Angus and only Angus. On the other hand, he offended Joe. And he’s already pissed at me for showing up to help move in late today. And he’s paying the first month’s rent. But since it was at least light-hearted and funny, I can’t be too mad at him. 5 bugs and he has to take out the trash for the first month.

Mike “Angus” Durgin’s second response:
Why did you respond just to me if you wanted everybody to see it? I’m officially saying I don’t like it when people respond to messages on the list. It would be OK every once in a while if I could trust everybody on the list to behave. History has proven that they can’t. Over and over again. I wouldn’t mind a reply every once in a while, especially something like Tony’s message, but that brings up the problem again about what is funny and what isn’t. That’s why I made the application. At least if it isn’t funny, it’s what I think is funny, and that’s what keeps the list going around and around. Maybe I should have everybody sign a disclaimer from now on. And I know everything that you said to Proz when it was just you, him and me in the e-conversation. I don’t see the point in bringing it up now except to try to make an ass out of Proz and flex your computer knowledge for everybody. I will grant you a pardon because you haven’t been through this before, but when you tell Proz to ask me what I really want from the list and don’t do the same yourself, and instead you just assume you are right, you are being a little bit of a hypocrite, a term that has been going around a little recently. Proz mailed you because he’s been here before and knows that I don’t appreciate it. I’m sure you know that by now, so I won’t pound you in the head with it anymore, but his experience-based suggestions and playfully sarcastic undertone was met with brazen (and incorrect) assumptions and unnecessarily sharp and belittling retorts. Let it die here. -4 bugs and a proverbial e-slap on the wrist.

Well, that brings an end to all that. I hope. Basically, I like the fact that I own the list and I use it for the explicit purpose of inspiring me to try to write comedy every day. Sure, all these people have to do is delete your message, which is generally what I do when I get chain mail or joke forwards when I don’t have time to read them. But these are lists that friends of mine have made that include me on them because they know I appreciate that sort of stuff (or I’m at least too nice to tell them I don’t :-)). I don’t like the exploitation of my list because you guys don’t have one of your own. Sort of like how I wouldn’t like you guys getting a hold of my address book and calling random people in it, telling them that you are a friend of mine, and trying to start a conversation that way. Solicited or unsolicited. Spam or a slightly more pure meat substitute. It just feels like you’re riding the coat tails of my popularity. Make your own list. Put me on it. Looking back over my list, I doubted even Tony could name half of the people I had on the list, and I know nobody else can come near that close. So please don’t abuse the privilege that, as Mike pointed out to us, is available to everyone as a standard feature. If necessary, I will change to do that carbon copy thing, however it works, which probably isn’t hard. I was just hoping it wouldn’t be necessary. Well, I’m going to take a few days off of the quote again to let this thing simmer down (and to watch my new 440 stations of digital cable). Write me your thoughts please. Good or bad. I’m gonna go talk to my new stripper neighbors now.

Keeper of the quotes,

The Quorax.

Still Standing Right Here…

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