Hold the phone!! There’s a red flag on the field. What the hell happened?!? I went to bed and we had a president and I woke up and we didn’t. Who figured that going to bed at 3:30 was too early? I guess the people at CNN just wanted to go to bed at that point too. Well, if that’s the case, I’m glad they’re recounting everything. I’d hate to have our fate for the next four years sealed because reporters and election officials were getting too tired. And to all you Bush/Cheney fans out there who think the Democrats are being sore losers, I say let’s take the extra week and not fuck it up. And I think I heard something about how the electoral vote can be swayed if the popular vote favors the other candidate. If this is the case, then why don’t we just say fuck the electoral vote system and just go with the popular vote? But I’m probably misunderstanding something.
So for those of you who live in a darkened cave or have been trapped under something heavy with all sources of external stimuli off, here’s the presidential race throwdown as explained by the definition of a layman: The man who will lead us for the next four years, direct our country into the new millennium (whether you believe my reasoning or not), our executive role model for the next tenure, will be chosen by 19,000 residents of Palm Beach County, Florida. We no longer matter. We’re done. The only people that matter anymore are the voters of Palm Beach, Florida. Not just any 19,000 voters, but the stupidest 19,000 residents who were too dumb to fill out the ballot properly. These are the citizens who will choose our leader. 19,000 old Jewish ballot filling out fuck-ups. Apparently, there were way too many votes for Pat Buchanan of the Nazi party that somebody figured something had to be wrong. So Palm Beach, Florida will probably revote. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dan Marino became our next president. Well, OK. It’s still just between Gore and Bush. I hope if they revote that nobody votes for Nader either. They know it won’t matter. His name on the ballot might as well have been Neither, because that’s pretty much what a vote for him was. So the world’s got to wait for Palm Beach to decide what they’re gonna do. I think it’s funny that Oregon is also still undecided, but nobody gives a shit. Fuck Oregon. It rains too much there anyway.
I’ll tell you one thing about this presidential debacle. It’s made it more interesting to watch. It’s like a game. My team’s ahead, my team’s behind. It’s a close one, we’ll have to go to the replay. It’s still too close. May go into overtime. I was talking about the race with a friend of mine, and he agreed that it was a hell of a contest to watch…
“Don’t get me wrong, it’s no Monday Night Football, but it’s still pretty exciting.”
Sad as it is, I think I’d watch Monday Night Football if it were on against the election coverage. Until Gore bounces a ball on his helmet and shoulderpads and still pulls it off the ground and runs for a touchdown in overtime, I’ll take my chances with Dennis Miller and gang.
Still Standing Right Here…