I got this really bizarre e-mail the other day. It was from somebody who claims to have known me from college. I would normally delete this right away because somewhere along the line, I signed up for too many daily porn e-mails, which you can by the way, NEVER unsubscribe from, no matter what they tell you. So anyway, they all say about something like that. “Hey, remember me? It’s Jenny McSweetboobs from college! Sorry I’ve lost touch, but things have been *crazy*. I thought I saw you on campus the other day, but I didn’t recognize you without the pink hat.” So about now, I figure it’s not one of those regular porn ones. Or they’ve gotten really good at what they do. She continues to ask if I still kept in touch with Stryker and says we should get together for lunch sometime and she wants me to show her the “ins and outs” of the new Rec facility. All hopes that she was coming onto me were smothered in my Columbo-like assessment that she’s married. The e-mail address had a different last name than her text when she tried to tell me who she was. I guess you kinda want to get rid of the name McSweetboobs as soon as you possibly can nowadays.
So I still have no idea who the hell this person is. I racked my brain for anything with either of those names and called Stryker and picked his brain for about 15 minutes to no avail. He described her as having medium to long blond hair, decent size breasts, and being about 5’6 to 5’8. So now I’ve got it narrowed down to about 72% of all the people I’ve ever known at UMBC, including all but one of my ex-girlfriends. So do I tell her I have no idea who she is or do I agree to meet her for lunch and just guess? Or should I break out the ole pink hat? Or should I tell her to walk around with a pink carnation in her mouth and I’ll do the same? Or should I bring surveillance equipment and have Stryker in a van outside watching the whole thing through my banana camera and cuing me when she finally arrives? Oh well. I’ll just google her and see if I can’t find something.
So I was telling Brian (my roommate for another week) this whole story and he was trying to give me a few suggestions on what to do and telling me stories similar and other things that roommates do. He told me that I’d probably recognize her when I saw her and it probably wouldn’t be a big deal. So we started to go over all the details again…
“OK, so she’s about average height and has long blond hair. Actually she’s married now, so she probably has short blond hair.”
-the soon to be Brian Cole
If that’s really how it works, that system is much more idiot proof than looking for a wedding ring.
Barely stupid enough,
Still Standing Right Here…