Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been 3 months since my last quote. In that time, I have taken the Lord’s name in vain probably close to 400 times and I’ve masturbated about that many times also. I did not covet thy neighbor’s wife, but I did check out her ass for probably an uncomfortable period of time. I don’t believe that I have born false witness against my neighbor, but I’m not really sure what that means, so I guess I may have. I also stole this pink slap bracelet from a store. I actually did that back in 1992, but I haven’t really told anybody about it until now. So yeah, please forgive me for my sins father.
Sorry I keep getting lost in the shuffle for months at a time. You missed my exciting summer of day camp drama again. I’ve heard I’m actually funnier when I’m stressed out and pissed off. And I’m willing to make the sacrifice for the greater good! Actually, the reason I got inspired to start this up again is this conversation I had with this chick at Howl at the Moon. It went something like this:
Random Chick: “…I’m actually a big fan of comedy.”
Excited Dustin: “Well, I happen to write a daily e-mail humor column.”
Interested Chick: “Really?! What did you write about today.”
Nervous Dustin: “Actually, I didn’t write anything today.”
Confused Chick: “Well, what did you write about yesterday?”
Back to the Wall Dustin: “Actually, I haven’t really written anything in 3 months.”
Less Interested Chick: “So you USED to write a humor column.”
Lying Dustin: “No… I still do.”
Uninterested Chick: “It doesn’t really sound like you do.”
Desperate Dustin: “Well, sometimes, things aren’t exactly like they sound.”
Mean Chick: “Kinda like how you originally sounded interesting.”
Pissed Off That He Was Caught In a Lie Dustin: “And kinda like how you originally sounded cute.”
OK, it didn’t happen exactly like that, but it made me want to start it back up, if for no other reason than I might have a shot with a chick someday. And to try to battle the laziness factor, I’m going to try to adhere to a weekly quote schedule that will be as follows:
Monday: Freestyle rant about anything – This is where I can really talk about anything. I figure at least one funny thing will happen over the weekend that I can rant about. Or I can just make some shit up. But anyway, that’s Monday.
Tuesday: Ratings – This is fun. This is where I can rate anything. Like I can rate my nicknames, the time zones, songs about women’s asses and ways to get money illegally. But as usual, they all end in a quote just to keep the theme alive.
Wednesday: My day off – This is the day during the middle of the week that I will take off. If I get inspired, I will send a quote out on a Wednesday, but it is optional. To be honest, all days are optional, but especially Wednesday.
Thursday: Old School quote: I’m going to try to remember all the funny things people said from a long time ago that I never got a chance to put in the quote of the day. And I’ll try to rehash stories from a while ago too. Anything at least a year old will be considered old school. Well, I’ll at least give this a shot for a little while.
Friday: Movie review – I am going to try to rate a movie every Friday based on the Bug system, with 10 bugs being as good as A Bug’s Life. It’s a system I came up with shortly after seeing a Bug’s Life and I’m stuck with it now. The movies might be new, they might not. In fact, they might not even be movies. And I might not even do it, who the hell knows?
Saturday and Sunday: More days off – I will use these days to try to catch up from when I inevitably fall behind during the week. So these will be the days in which I lie about what day it is.
So that’s the weekly schedule, like it or not. You can plan your week accordingly now.
So today is not only my dad’s birthday, but also my parent’s anniversary. Happy 35th Anniversary Mom and Dad!!! They’re awesome. I have definitely honored my mother and father throughout the years. Most of you already know how funny my dad is through either meeting him in person or reading this crap for the past however many years. Well, in honor of the day of his birth, I have a dad quote that he said to me earlier this summer…
Dad: “Hey, I saw a show the other day that I couldn’t believe you weren’t on.”
Me: “Oh really, what was it?”
Dad: “Last Comic Standing.”
He could have just said “Hey, how come you’re not on that show Last Comic Standing,” but that wouldn’t have been dad. And when they start up a show called Last Comic Typing, I’ll jump on it, I promise.
Happy Birthday Dad!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!
Doing 5 Hail Marys and 3 Hey Judes,
Still Standing Right Here…