Rating Christmas Decorations

Christmas Decorations

Trees – The more I think about it, this is the funniest part of Christmas. For a month out of the year (give or take) we cut down a perfectly healthy tree and bring it into our house and put lots of shit on it. I’ve been living with it for so long, I haven’t thought about the whole concept for a while. This isn’t a fern, it’s a whole freakin tree! And it’s right next to the TV. I’m surprised more people don’t just have trees in their houses year round. I think I might start that trend. But it might be a little cruel to keep it in the tree stand without the ability to grow roots and just watch it die slowly. Of course, it’s not like we plant them back in the ground when we’re done with them. If it weren’t for all the damn pine needles I need to vacuum, this would have gotten an A+. I mean, a tree right in the livingroom. Funny shit. A-

Lights – Lights are tricky. They can really bring out the magic in your Christmas scene or they can send you into an epileptic fit. And gone are the days of tacking them up to the gutter outside. They make it idiot proof now. Like sheets of lights all webbed together so you can just throw them onto trees and they’re all perfectly spaced and everything. I’m not a fan of this. I like to see people put a little effort into putting their lights up. But what the hell do I know? I want to grow trees inside my apartment. B

Wreaths – Gotta admit, this one is a little different too. Somehow, Christmas got associated with wreaths for some reason. A circular conglomeration of usually biodegradable twigs and leaves of assorted different plant life of all sorts. And it’s usually about head level and hung on front doors. Like a scarlet letter for pagans. But still pretty original. B+

Tinsel – Tinsel sucks. It’s even worse than the pine needles in the clean-up department because they instantly clog up the dustbuster. There has yet to be developed a good way to get rid of tinsel. It’s like dog hair but without the benefit of owning a dog. And if you don’t put it on one or two strands at a time, it looks like a toaster hanging up on the tree and it’s just not worth the sacrifice for me. But it is sparkly. D

I was talking with my printer guy about this speed skating thing he’s into. Every year, he goes up to Milwaukee for this national speed skating conference and races this brotherhood from all across the country. And probably Canada, but I don’t really consider that another country. Anyway, he was saying how there are several guys in his 55-60 age bracket that are awesome and he says that he’d never beat them. The only hope he has is to outlast them. There’s a guy in the 80+ category that wins every year because he’s the only one in his age range…

Quote of the Day 12/14/04

“And that’s the one that counts! All the other ones, you just get a stupid little medal.”

– The Dingle

Push comes to shove, life is really just a battle of attrition. First one to the finish line loses.

Merry Christmas,

Extend-a-Claus.

Still Standing Right Here…

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