So it finally happened. However long I tried to postpone it, the earth just keeps rotating at the same pace, and that is something just out of my control (actually, the earthquake forced the earth underneath itself, causing the circumference to become smaller, thus speeding up the rotation by possibly a few seconds each year, but I swear I had nothing to do with that). Yeah, so I turned 30. Nothing special. No fireworks or sirens (OK, that’s a lie). But I knew it was coming, so it wasn’t that big of a surprise for me. It did, however, seem to instantly make other people age before my eyes. Some reactions were of surprise: “You’re 30? When the hell did that happen?”, some were of disbelief: “What do you mean you’re 30? Aren’t you still in college?”, and still others were very poignant: “So when the fuck are you going to get a real job?” Hell, I’m ready to retire. So yeah, it seemed like a lot more people were upset that I was turning 30 than I was. Like the 19-year old college chicks I’ve been seeing who thought I was 23. And their dads. And boyfriends. Push comes to shove, age is just a number you tell people. And sometimes, it’s not even that. For example, this is the seventh straight year I’ve turned 23. Some people are starting to figure it out. So I’m going to need all of you to keep it under wraps. If word gets out that I’m 30, I officially become invisible to 19-yr-olds. Just a UMBC Rec Sports polo and jeans walking around with no discernable face. And that’s been one of my major demographics. This includes 24-yr-olds that say they’re 19 also. Cause don’t think that doesn’t happen. As well as the 16-yr-olds that say they’re 19 (remember people, this is a “humor” article in which I “embellish” and “lie.” Everybody knows I draw the line at 17.) So the way I figure it, if you average the age that I act, the age that I feel, the age that I tell people I am, the age my birth certificate says I am, and the age my body parts think I am, it’s somewhere in the neighborhood of 30. And that’s good enough for me. All apologies to everyone who didn’t see this coming. I should have prepared you better.
So I was talking with Mike D about turning 30 and other such issues surrounding it. He actually gave me a little bit of hope with his theory involving the difference between hooking up with younger chicks when you are in your late 20s as opposed to when you are 30…
“See, when you hook up with an 18-yr old chick in your late 20s, that’s kinda wrong. But if you do it at 30, it’s like an accomplishment. Something to brag about to your friends.”
-Mike D, 20-something
Awesome. I needed that. No I didn’t.
Getting old and taking everybody with me,
Still Standing Right Here…