This QOTD is Rated R for offensive language and sexual content
I was at a bar the other night and this show called ElimiDate came on the TV. For those of you fortunate enough to not know what that is, it’s a show where four girls go on a date with one guy (or vice versa) and as the date goes on, the guy (or vice versa) gradually eliminates the girls (OK, you get it) one by one until he has only one left and this girl is fortunate enough to be declared the winner and I’m not sure what happens next, but I know from the one and a half episodes that I’ve ever seen that it is usually the sluttiest girl of the four so one can only imagine. I hate this show. I hate the concept of it. It’s disgusting. It’s kinda like if you took what little class there was in The Bachelor and flushed it down the same toilet that the “game show” Deal Or No Deal flushed all the strategy down. So yeah, dumb show that I would have never even thought to turn on if I was home, but I understand why it has a following and I know why they would play it at a bar at 2am.
So I find myself glancing at the TV and all of a sudden, up pops Ms. Heather! Ms. Fucking Heather! She was a counselor for me for like three years at UMBC Day Camp and I think we even hooked up once. Actually, I think I made that up. But it’s easier than telling people here that we almost hooked up but we were both pretty trashed and then I was going after her friend too who I found out too deep into the courting process had a boyfriend and I’m pretty sure that I wound up sleeping alone thinking about my new “fence riding” theory. But if I’m pressed for time, I’ll just say that we hooked up. Actually, she’s on this list. Heather, write me back sometime to help jog my memory.
So yeah, there she was on TV. Sure it was just a stupid MTV Generation Y show, but she was on national television trying to beat out three other guys to… do whatever winners do on that program. And after they show the four chicks, they showed the guy. And it was my idiot friend Eduardo Van Machos (name changed to protect the guilty)! You gotta be kidding me at this point. I was going nuts at this bar. Like I wasn’t screaming enough about the chick I didn’t really hook up with, but now this guy shows up on TV? There’s no way any four females should ever be competing for him, let alone on national television. The girls in my volleyball class would fight over who got to play on the other court. Nobody else on the club team would room with him so I always got stuck with him on road trips. OK, I’m embellishing a bit because his job was always to be the butt of my jokes, but nonetheless I have lost a lot of respect for the people they pick to be on that show. Well when I think about it, I don’t really know what I was expecting. I think I was better off with people I didn’t know on the show. Then I can at least pretend that they are better than me and deserve to be on a date with four hot chicks trying to.. you know… win. You know I love you Eduardo. Even if you did vote Heather off first. She’s too classy for you anyway. Well, that information is based solely on the fact that we never hooked up. Maybe.
And I never hooked up with Eduardo. No semantics needed with that statement.
Sorry to say, but I never found out how it ended because there was no sound and I was being kicked out of the bar (it was closing, I wasn’t throwing olives at people or anything) and I had to drive a friend home to his wife and kids who I later found out is no longer allowed to be my friend. I’ve seen enough of Eduardo hanging all over girls at our national volleyball tournament in Charlotte anyway (and the local high schools). And if the end was anything like those experiences, it will directly contradict my theory about what really happens at the end of ElimiDate.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any material written down about the plethora of stupid things that Eduardo has said over the years, but I can chronicle a few of the stupider things he’s done in past years over the next few days. So I’ll start with Charlotte again. We were at a party with the Xavier women’s volleyball club team and Eduardo was getting a back rub from this hot chick and things were heating up between them. Now, our volleyball club was like a cross-section of our school at UMBC. There was Eduardo, Ryan and myself at this party able to hold a conversation and interact with people of both genders. Then there was Neil and Amir, two of our – let’s say socially awkward – friends who don’t get out much. Which is fine with us and they were fun to hang out with, but it came back to haunt us (Eduardo). Oh, and meanwhile, the other half of our team had been back in the room since 8pm. So about 45 minutes into the backrubs and the running hands through hair and kissing on the neck (check out Eduardo’s moves on syndicated TV if you get the chance), Amir, who has been sitting on the ottoman for the last 2 hours just grinning, blurts out…
“Wait, Eduardo. Don’t you have a girlfriend?”
-2004 Cock-Blocker of the Year, Amir
Whatever Eduardo’s actual status was with the girl who hung around him a bunch, it was all the same to Amir. And it was a bit too late to try to explain that to the Xavier girl who had already kicked him in the nuts. But hell, it made my week.
1999 Cock-Blockee of the Year,
Still Standing Right Here…