So some real shitty things happened this weekend. I was driving out to PA to help Erin move into her new home and her new life this weekend. It’s a seven hour drive from here to there (which is how I measure distance). I started driving with the top off and no shirt and very quickly thought to myself “Do I want to pull over to get some sunscreen or do I want to get sun poisoning on over half my body?” So I pulled over at this Sunoco. I didn’t expect a huge array of options, but the only thing they had was this “Native Tanning Oil” thing in this brown bottle shaped like a flask. It was SPF 4, which is the equivalent of pouring a Coors Lite all over me. But it’s all they had, so I oiled myself up. Most of you probably know how this is going to end. If you thought “second degree burns,” you win. Yeah, I got the damn sun poisoning anyway. Like, the first layer peeled off and the skin under that in sunburnt. Well, now I know. As do you. I was wondering why there was a picture of a Haitian guy on the bottle.
Then on the way home, I was about 5 hours later than I wanted to be and it was 11pm before I even hit the eastern side of Ohio. And then it was about 11:15 when I hit a deer that really thought he could take on my car at 70 mph. And probably closer to the truth is that he hit me. He came flying in from the median like Ray Lewis. But the jeep didn’t go down as easily as Willie Parker. I fucked that deer up. And the jeep took it like a champ. Just a minor dent in the wheel well and the bumper is only bent enough to tell if you knew I hit a deer. I’m going to spare you the gory details because they’re not funny. Suffice to say that the jeep walked away and the deer did not. And then I start to think about all the cars behind me and if they had hit that deer. Their car would probably be totalled. I started to think that as a service to society that I should just go out and start hitting all the deer I could find. Like start chasing them through fields and crap. And people should pay me. Not a lot, but at least something. Whatever they paid Batman.
Quote of the Day 6/22/06
“You know, there just aren’t enough coyotes anymore. Maybe you should start doing their job.”
I’m naming my jeep the Metal Coyote.
Looking up the laws for vehicular deerslaughter,
Coyote of the Sun.
Still Standing Right Here…