So I’ve taken up the hobby of crashing weddings. It’s not the lavish life that Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn lead exactly. They make it look easy. I also think they kinda ruined it for me before my career really got started. Because now when people hear that I’m crashing a wedding, they get that bedroom montage sequence stuck in their head and my game is shot. Just like how after Quick Change came out, you couldn’t rob a bank dressed up like a clown anymore.
Anyway, so this wedding was only really a half-crash. Not like the full on crash that Bill and I pulled off last year. Jihna and Adam are actually friends of mine. And they knew I was coming. In fact, I crashed at their place the night before and night of the wedding. I think I just like to crash things. Nobody should probably ever get in a car with me. So Ian and Erin were both invited to the wedding and Erin couldn’t make it. Ian thought I could just take Erin’s invitation since the wedding was just down the road in Columbus. I tried to tell him that wedding invitations aren’t like tickets to the O’s game that you can just scalp to anybody you want to. But apparently I’m wrong and he was right. There’s a first for everything. (Face!)
So I’ve found my niche at these functions. I’m the girlfriend sitter. I think it’s because I like to dance and traditionally guys do not, but girls do. So if there is a couple out there and the guy knows me well enough, I can dance with his girlfriend. This is kinda what happened at this most recent wedding half-crash. So now my new approach is to find a hot chick and go hit on her boyfriend during dinner. That way he trusts me enough to dance with her when that part rolls around. Unfortunately, this will not lead to the bedroom montage sequence later on. At least not for me. I think I found a flaw in my problem. Fortunately, I’ll have the opportunity to work on this like 23 times in the next year, starting with Ferg’s in two weeks. He and Nina are engaged right now but he refuses to call her his fiancée…
“That’s the French F word.”
– The Future Mr. Nina Fergus.
Rant to quote correlation: Very High.
Crashing into my bed,
Still Standing Right Here…