I love Halloween. Especially in this town. And I think at least 85% of you know why. And no, it’s not for the candy corn. That stuff sucks. Well, at least the white and orange parts suck. I’ll eat the yellow part off the bottom, but that just seems rude. If there’s anybody out there that only likes the top half, let me know. We can hang out tomorrow.
Sorry, got off track again. So yeah, it’s not because of the mouth candy, but because of the eye candy. It’s the one day of the year that it’s socially acceptable to dress like a complete slut. It’s really not, but I’m not going to be the one to tell them. Why ruin all my fun? And it is just laughable how they justify it by pretending it’s something else. Really short black skirt and low cut dress that shows half your boobs? Wait, there’s a tail and some black ears. Oh, you’re a cat! Nice. You can come sit on my lap anytime. Same outfit in white showing off some of your actual ass every time you turn around. Oh, it’s got a red cross on it. You’re a nurse! Sweet. I’m ready for my sponge bath. An elastic headband worn as a skirt and a shirt tied in a knot in the front so everyone can see the tramp stamp on the small of your back? And boots up to your knee? And you have a gun? Oh, a cop! Sure, what the hell? Feel free to have a drink of my milk if you want (Sorry, still thinking about the kitty).
So that’s the best part of Halloween. The other equally best part of Halloween is that I get to pretend to be somebody else. Somebody cool. And I get to wear eye shadow. I’ve started to become Captain Jack Sparrow. I just wish there were more opportunities in the year to dress up and act like a pirate. Actually, you don’t act like a pirate so much as an alcoholic. And I guess I act like that enough days of the year (mom, I’m kidding. And I’m sleeping well too – they’re just jokes).
So the following is a conversation that occurred this past Friday at a costume party. I had the Jack Sparrow outfit in full effect and the rum was nearing its end, which means less Dustin and more Jack. So anyway, it was brought to my attention that I needed a tattoo of a sparrow on my wrist to complete the ensemble. I asked out loud if anyone in the room was an artist…
Me: “Is anyone in here an artist?”
Kari: “I can draw.”
Me: “Cool. Can you draw a sparrow on my wrist?”
Kari: “What does a sparrow look like?”
Some unidentified girl from the room: “She’s going to draw a penis.”
Me: “No, just draw any bird really and we’ll pretend it’s a sparrow.”
Kari drew a penis on my wrist.
Me: “Well, at least give it wings.”
I then had a penis with wings on my wrist.
I know why the rum’s gone,
Captain Dick Sparrow.
Still Standing Right Here…