Application To Be Dustin’s Valentine

Disclaimer: First of all, realize you are applying to be Dustin Fisher’s valentine. Not his steady girlfriend, one night stand, jogging buddy or euchre partner. Secondly, as has been the recent pattern in his dating life, you may only apply if you have a steady boyfriend or are otherwise unattainable (lives 8 hours away, doesn’t like men, exists only in his head, etc.). There is an exception noted on line #5. All others, please fill out the form as honestly as you feel he’d want you to.

1. Name _____________________________________

2. Gender (circle one) M / F
(Note: if you did not circle the “F”, you’re application will be forwarded to Russell Johnson of Columbia, MD)

3. Local address ________________________________________
(please include directions and leave the door open)

4. Phone number _________________________________________
(keep in mind, he knows that rejection hotline number in all area codes)

5. How often do you see a therapist (PTs do not count) on an average week?
A. 4 or more
B. 2 or 3
C. Once
D. None, but I should
(If none of the above apply to you AND you are currently single, your application will be forwarded to Bill Wilcox)

6. How do you know Dustin?
A. I work with him.
B. Through a friend
C. Through facebook
D. I don’t know Dustin but a friend forwarded this to me and I’m desperate enough to try anything.

7. What is your ideal Valentines Day date?
A. A train ride up to New York to see Rent, skating in Central Park, dinner at the Four Seasons and a full body massage by the fire in a 5 star hotel.
B. Dinner at the Olive Garden, a couple drinks at a local martini bar, and out to a drive-in movie for a viewing of Hope Floats while snuggling with each other.
C. McDonalds for a few burgers and back to my place to watch reruns of King of the Hill with a box of wine.
D. Smack Ramen and Natty Light while checking out internet porn together.

8. What are you looking to get out of this Valentine’s Date Application?
A. To spend an evening with a guy who I don’t mind too much.
B. I want to get married soon because my eggs are rotting.
C. Honestly anything, I haven’t been allowed out in 5 years.
D. I figure if I go out with Dustin, I have a better chance of hooking up with Bill.

9. What did you do last Valentines Day?
A. Had a romantic evening with my boyfriend/fiancee/husband.
B. Went out with the girls to protest the Hallmark holiday.
C. Hooked up with some guy I don’t know because I’m very insecure.
D. Fell asleep on the couch watching Duck Tales.

10. Lastly, the thought of kissing Dustin makes you…
A. Tingle inside
B. Throw up
C. Need to pee
D. Pity others who have

Thank you for your interest in this position. All applications are due to Dustin Fisher by 11pm tonight. Work mandates that he stays until 11:30pm, so your date will begin around midnight. So if you turn into a gremlin if you eat past midnight, I’m sorry you wasted your time. Late or incomplete applications will be accepted as late as pretty much whenever you get it to him. All verbal contracts are binding, regardless of the actual words spoken. Dustin Fisher, Miami University, and hookaplayaup.com are not responsible for any bodily injury that may result of being Dusitn’s Valentine. Normal restrictions apply. See store for details.