Dear Intramural Basketball Champions,

First of all, congratulations. I’m assuming from the amount of importance that you placed on this victory that you have a significant investment of your self-worth associated with the outcome. While I feel there are other things more important than the random subtle differences in the bounce of a ball, I do admire your passion toward the cause. Not many people would be willing to sacrifice their character in front of other students and staff members they see on a weekly basis to argue their point. The whining like an 8-year-old when you didn’t get your way, the staredown of the officials and the red-faced screaming at the clock operator when 7 seconds ran off the clock after a time out was called is inspiring. These acts together culminated in an intramural championship that no one can ever take away from you. You did it. You found a way. And though I seriously do appreciate the apology after the fact, I’m rather certain that after a come-from-behind overtime win in a championship game, I’d have smiled and shook hands with the bully that used to shove my head in the toilet in middle school. It’s when we face adversity that we really find out what our character is like. And you don’t need to prove yourself to me, so please stop. I’m but a bit part in your life and my mind is already made up. I just worry that someday you may value something more than winning an intramural contest. Sadly for the opposing team, as heartbreaking a loss as it was, they were able to maintain their character. They obviously have other priorities in their life and don’t value the intramural basketball championship as much as you do. And now you have a t-shirt to hang up in your room as a reminder of everything you had to sacrifice to win this championship. Maybe someday you’ll value your own character over a game, but not today. Today, you are an intramural champion.

The League Commissioner.

And if you like this one, you’ll like Unsportsmanlike Conduct too.