Quick Inside Slant:
by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).
I lose respect for sportscasters on a daily basis. I can’t tell if I used to be stupider or if it’s gotten worse, but I don’t remember this much spoon feeding when I was growing up. I used to pay attention and believe the crap they sold us. But really they’re just spoon-feeding us whatever will sell more jerseys.
Except Boomer Esiason. Thank you. Last week, Tony Romo went down with broken ribs and a punctured lung. He returned from the locker room to lead the Cowboys to a victory. Gutsy? Absolutely. As was pointed out by all the talking heads with the ESPN and FOX execs in their ear. But what the hell is he doing back on the field? Let’s say he got hit again in that game and suffered a major injury or even just made the ribs worse. Then that decision becomes stupid, as Trent Dilfer and the less talented Hasselbeck will be the first to point out. This is what we in the business call a “double standard.” And by “business” I mean “complaining on the internet.”
Similarly, Michael Vick has what the doctors are calling a “minor” concussion. Having experienced what I would consider a “major fucking” concussion where I lay motionless for almost two minutes, I can appreciate that there are different levels of severity of these things. But I thought there was supposed to be a thing about guys having to take a week off after a concussion, which is a brain injury. BUT. If you call it a minor concussion, then you can do whatever you want. If this works, you’re going to hear about minor broken necks, minor ruptures Achilles tendons and minor chlamydia.
Pansy Move of the Week: In the other corner, we have guys that aren’t hurt pretending to be hurt. I’m sure other teams do it, but the fact that it was the Giants is just awesome. Two guys faked an injury on the same play. New rule: If you fake an injury and get caught, you have to get punched in whatever body part you pretended to hurt. By Brock Lesner.
Fantasy Dud of the Week: I believe it may be time to retire my strategy of taking Antonio Gates in the 4th round in my fantasy leagues. I saw that he had no points and thought I fucked up and didn’t know he was hurt. Nope. He played and still didn’t catch a ball. Second week in a row the Chargers win this category. I’m not sure what to make of that, but it’s not good.