The Tipping Point
Since when did stores start this “tip us before we serve you” policy? It took me long enough to accept the fact that I had to give extra money to certain professions after they did their job. It’s kinda nice that a waitress’ tip depends directly on how good the service is. OK, makes sense. I’ve you’ve ever eaten at Denny’s after 11 and gratuity is already on there, you know what I’m talking about. They could give a shit if you like what you get, if you get what you want or even if you get what you ordered. So I’ll go ahead and tip my waitress. Also, if you don’t tip her and leave your phone number, she definitely won’t call you. Actually, she probably would. Maybe I’ve been doing this wrong.
Anyway, I’ve decided that I am not tipping bartenders anymore. I don’t give enough money to charity as it is. There are people out there that don’t have jobs or homes and can’t afford their crack and I’ve been neglecting them for all my life. And yet, I’ll happily give somebody an extra $5 for pouring beer from a nozzle into 3 glasses. Or worse yet, one that opened three bottles and gave them to me (I only have 2 friends in these scenarios). The guy that bent down to pick up the quarter I just dropped probably did more work for me than they did. Maybe I should tip him. So yeah, the days are gone where I tip bartenders for opening a damn bottle. And don’t look at me in disgust just cause all these other suckers play your little flirting for money game. I will NOT be exploited with flirtation. I know better now. Take your cute little laugh and pathetic attempt to wink and you’re “what can I get for you, dollface?” little voice and go practice taking caps of bottles. You’re not good enough at it yet to impress me.
Oh, and I don’t tip strippers either. $40 for 4 minutes worth of work is damn good money. David Beckham type of money. Plus, I really look out of place when I break out my percentage card after a lap dance.
Yeah, so anyway – The Great Steak & Potato Co. has a tip jar out in the front by the register when you pay. Well before you actually get the food, and likely, much much earlier than you actually eat the food. What exactly am I tipping? The service at the cash register? Wow! Awesome rudimentary math skills you got there! Are you taking a class now or do you still remember that from 1st grade? They pull this same shit at Pita Pit too. Well, I devised a plan. The first time I go into one of these places, I’m not tipping them. Then every subsequent time I go in, I’m going to tip based on my previous experience. It sounds like a great idea right? (Oh sure it does. Can’t miss). Well, this takes dedication and organization that I’m not willing to put into this project. I had to remember the service and the approximate cost of the food and I had the have the right change on me after my current purchase. It was a disaster. I was making spreadsheets and getting ulcers from this whole process. And this was before I decided to stop tipping people and just give their money to charity anyway, so it’s a moot point now. Except Pita Pit. I still tip them because their tip jar says “Pita spelled backwards is ‘a tip’” and I feel that I need to encourage such creativity. Plus it’s usually 3am when I stop in there and I’ll tip the guy holding the door open for me at that point. (Ed note: total money given to charity since revelation: $0.00)