Knifeless in Southwest Ohio

Knifeless in Southwest Ohio

It’s been exactly 7 days since the surgery and I must first continue to thank all of you for your continued support. I have gotten probably close to 50 or so e-mails in the last week and I’m still getting people to bring in food and come over to cut chicken and get pizzas out of ovens. I’m learning everyday of new things that I can’t do nearly as well with one arm stuck to my stomach. See, I know that my football playing, breakdancing and puppeteering days are on hold until sometime in 2008, but there are lots of activities I didn’t realize would be so difficult until I tried them recently. And so I have come up with a top ten list of these activities I have realized are very very biased toward two-handed people.

10. Driving. I drive a stick shift. I actually thought this would be a lot harder, but I forgot how incredibly awesome I am. The trick is to shift on the straightaways and try not to do anything stupid. I learned early on when trying to text message and steer and shift all at the same time. When I realized that was too many things to do at once with one arm, I quickly surmised which was the most important and was able to get from A to B unscathed. So it turns out driving isn’t all that difficult, but if you see my car, you may just want to run inland anyway. And I mean inland. The sidewalk may not be safe enough depending on if I’m trying to download ringtones or not. Run towards a building. That should be good enough. I hope.

9. Typing. I guess I kinda knew that this wouldn’t be easy, but I’m cheating. I can peak my right hand out and hit a decent radius of keys around the j and k keys. And I think I’m allowed to do that. I’ll find out Wednesday if I was supposed to have been doing this.

8. Shorts. Ever try buttoning shorts with one hand? It’s real damn difficult. Much like unhooking a rear clip bra with one hand, from what I remember. Only try doing it with your non-dominant hand. The zipper isn’t even really that easy to zip up. Elastic shorts are the way to go.

7. Arm pit sweat. It gets pretty rank under there. I have decided to combat this issue with the use of spray deodorant. However, I won’t lie and say that there are times that I don’t just spray febreeze all over myself and hope that helps. Showering is tough because I have to change band-aids and I have to wash my hair with one hand, etc. so I apologize ahead of time for my possible stench.

6. Footwear. I can’t tie my shoes anymore and so I’m confined to use either my flip flops or my stupid, ugly, not-as-comfy-as-they-say-they-are crocs. Obviously, flip flops are not the most professional shoes to wear but I can’t tie my friggin shoes! I’m just waiting for the first person to tell me to put on a pair of sneakers and I’m going to shove my croc so far up their ass, they’ll be crapping little alligators.

5. Wiping my butt. Sorry to get graphic, but this is not easily done with my left hand. I will refrain from any further discussion on this topic.

4. Tripping. And no, not the kind associated with crystal meth. I mean falling. And I haven’t actually done this yet and I’m really not looking forward to the first time I do. Especially if I’m carrying something. I know I’ll be carrying a lemonade and stumble on my stupid oversized crocs and I’ll have to make a decision whether or not to throw my lemonade and try to catch myself with my only functional arm, getting myself all sticky and risking walking around armless for the next month or keep my lemonade and try to roll over my right shoulder and never be able to use it again or maybe even die. So I’m not looking forward to that.

3. Eating a taco. I was trying to figure out what food to eat that would be easiest. Honestly, I thought taco bell would be one of the easiest things to eat. Well, it turns out you use two hands a lot more often than you think. Or I least I do. And it’s just impossible to keep the beef in the chalupa. Of course, once I accepted that I was just going to pick the escaped meat and shredded lettuce off the wrapper and shove it in my mouth, I was fine. But it wasn’t easy.

2. Shaving. I’d almost sooner let an ex-girlfriend with a grudge around my face with a razor than to try to trust my left hand again. I don’t even think I had the razor pointed the right way at one point. I’ve taken the approach of just not shaving much of at all for the next three weeks. The same goes for brushing my teeth.

1. Sleeping. This absolutely sucks. I am actually not experiencing that much pain at all but I can’t get comfortable and so I can’t sleep. I get a lot more irritable because of this. I’ve been taking my pain pills hoping that they’d act as sleeping pills. I realize this is stupid, but I do it anyway. Those people that know me well enough know that I didn’t wake up at 8 in the morning to send this e-mail. This is the one thing I didn’t see coming that seems to make it much worse than my Achilles surgery recovery. And the other 31 years that I didn’t have surgery.

There you go. A little insight into some of the less known difficulties associated with rotator cuff surgery. I refrained from including one slightly more lude thing that is also difficult with one’s dominant arm in a sling. The hint is that it is sommonly said that if one tries this with their non-dominant hand that it feels like someone else. While that is true, it is someone very uncoordinated. Now I’m gonna go try to rest for a couple hours before work.

Above the Knife

Above the Knife

So thanks to everyine for the 40 or so e-mails, the 20ish phone calls and test messages, the couple house vists (Di, Wak and Kelly) and the care packages (Loraine, Tracy and Lindsey) I have receibed in the past few days. You’ve all made it so mush easier, especially Seth’s mom for driving me to, from, and stauing with me in the medical center during my surgery. I can still only type with my left hand so please excuze my brevity. I promise you that I have gotten all your mesages and I’ll get back to you in time when I can type with both hands.

So I used to make fun of people who got shoulder or hand surgery and then had to be transported in a wheelchair to their car. What’s wrong with their legs? Why can’t they just walk to the car? Then I tried to stand up from my hospital bed. I reached for the closest wall I could find to regain some balance. The closest wall was a nurse named Corrine. Judging from her reaction and the “party girl” tattoo on her lower back, I’d say she was pretty used to guys climbing all over her. Needless to say, I have new respect for that wheelchair to the door trip.

So the pain started to get really intense around 7pm Tuesday, when the bulk of the anesthetic wore off. Thankfully, it wore off sometime around 4am that night. This is especially good since I believe I was taking pain pills like they were skittles. So as of now, it feels like I was just hit by a truck, not a train full of trucks. Anyway, I’ll be back at work tomorrow and I’ll catch you all up soon thereafter. I just wanted to send out a quick thank you and update and smiley face. 🙂

Under the Knife

Under the Knife

I feel strange apologizing for appropriating my own mailing list, but I thought I’d let you all in on something in the off chance I haven’t complained about my life to everyone on the face of the earth yet.

About a month ago, I hurt myself participating in an activity typically reserved for people 10-15 years younger than me. As a result, I tore my rotator cuff, something I did about 10 or 15 years ago participating in activity typically reserved for people my own age. I didn’t get surgery then because I didn’t see a doctor for 3 months. Turns out that was stupid. So this time, I’m getting surgery. Tomorrow. In about 6 and a half hours. The doc says I’ll be in a lot of pain for the first couple days, but I’ll have an arsenal of weaponry in the form of little white pills to combat the throbbing. After that, I’ll be in a sling and swathe for 6 weeks (including sleep) and then I’ll be in physical therapy for 3 or 4 months. No big deal. I’ll be ready to try out for the Eagles by training camp in 2008.

So here’s kind of what I need from you. I’ll be at home watching the last season of the Sopranos on dvr and the first two seasons of Moonlighting on dvd from Tuesday through Thursday. Chances are I’ll be a little bored and finding new things I won’t be able to do without use of my right arm. Like maybe getting a pizza out of the oven, washing my hair or playing chess with myself. If any of you locals want to stop by, please do. I’ll put on some old school Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd for you. And I won’t make you wash my hair either. But there is an application should any of you want to…

Anyway, I gotta go get some sleep before they put me to sleep for a few hours tomorrow. What I’m saying is drop by, text me, call me, e-mail me or at least think of me tomorrow, whether in loving sympathy or joyous humiliation, I’d appreciate it. Thanks and I’ll see you all on the other side of the knife.