National Dress Like a Slut Day

National Dress Like a Slut Day

I love Halloween. Especially in this town. And I think at least 85% of you know why. And no, it’s not for the candy corn. That stuff sucks. Well, at least the white and orange parts suck. I’ll eat the yellow part off the bottom, but that just seems rude. If there’s anybody out there that only likes the top half, let me know. We can hang out tomorrow.

Sorry, got off track again. So yeah, it’s not because of the mouth candy, but because of the eye candy. It’s the one day of the year that it’s socially acceptable to dress like a complete slut. It’s really not, but I’m not going to be the one to tell them. Why ruin all my fun? And it is just laughable how they justify it by pretending it’s something else. Really short black skirt and low cut dress that shows half your boobs? Wait, there’s a tail and some black ears. Oh, you’re a cat! Nice. You can come sit on my lap anytime. Same outfit in white showing off some of your actual ass every time you turn around. Oh, it’s got a red cross on it. You’re a nurse! Sweet. I’m ready for my sponge bath. An elastic headband worn as a skirt and a shirt tied in a knot in the front so everyone can see the tramp stamp on the small of your back? And boots up to your knee? And you have a gun? Oh, a cop! Sure, what the hell? Feel free to have a drink of my milk if you want (Sorry, still thinking about the kitty).

So that’s the best part of Halloween. The other equally best part of Halloween is that I get to pretend to be somebody else. Somebody cool. And I get to wear eye shadow. I’ve started to become Captain Jack Sparrow. I just wish there were more opportunities in the year to dress up and act like a pirate. Actually, you don’t act like a pirate so much as an alcoholic. And I guess I act like that enough days of the year (mom, I’m kidding. And I’m sleeping well too – they’re just jokes).

So the following is a conversation that occurred this past Friday at a costume party. I had the Jack Sparrow outfit in full effect and the rum was nearing its end, which means less Dustin and more Jack. So anyway, it was brought to my attention that I needed a tattoo of a sparrow on my wrist to complete the ensemble. I asked out loud if anyone in the room was an artist…

Quote of the Day 10/30/06

Me: “Is anyone in here an artist?”
Kari: “I can draw.”
Me: “Cool. Can you draw a sparrow on my wrist?”
Kari: “What does a sparrow look like?”
Some unidentified girl from the room: “She’s going to draw a penis.”
Me: “No, just draw any bird really and we’ll pretend it’s a sparrow.”
Kari drew a penis on my wrist.
Me: “Well, at least give it wings.”

I then had a penis with wings on my wrist.

I know why the rum’s gone,

Captain Dick Sparrow.

Still Standing Right Here…

Immune System vs Poor Judgment

Immune System vs Poor Judgment

So I’m sorry to the few of you (including my mom and sister who was about ready to drive down to Baltimore to pick me up) who I may have misled, but this go-around is just a Baltimore thing. And I’m actually going to be there for a decent amount of time. As I said before, I’m flying back in for Big Ferg’s wedding on Friday and there’s also gonna be a Rock Star party on Saturday, but the rest is all up in the air as of now. Including how I’m getting back from the airport this Wednesday and where “back from the airport” is. So far the only ride offer I’ve gotten has been from Ferg, who is getting married two days later. That is a damn good friend right there. I also have a ride offer from Tom if I agree to give up Laverneous Coles for Lawrence Maroney, and I’m not kidding. So if anybody wants to do anything Wednesday night, starting approximately 5:57pm EST not counting delays, I’m game.

Anyway, I need to make this short because I’m tired as hell from not sleeping this entire weekend. This weekend was like a constant battle between my Immune System and my Poor Judgment. Bill’s pullover and fleece: advantage Immune System. Deciding to sleep out under the stars instead of pitching a tent: advantage back to my Poor Judgment. Liner and temperature-proven sleeping bag: advantage Immune System. Drinking about 10 beers just before bed: HUGE advantage Poor Judgment. This battle is definitely not over. I’m curious to see how it plays out. It looked as if my Immune System was going to squeeze out a victory. Then I decided to play soccer today in the cold rain with shorts on after sleeping about 6 hours in three nights. And I don’t know that you can even call that sleep. I don’t even think I sleep at all anymore. There are just a few parts of the night where I don’t pay as much attention as I normally do. But anyway, I’m determined to go to this wedding with hypothermia. I’ll show that Immune System just how much stronger a team my Poor Judgment is. It won’t see what hit it. OK, I gotta go. I may not sleep until I get there Wednesday at this rate.

Quote of the Day 10/16/06

Me: “Dude, don’t worry about me getting cold [out on the river]. I actually repel water.”
Justin: “Yeah, when he jumps in water, he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Dustined.”

Justin doesn’t want too much credit for this one because he thinks he stole it. I don’t care once again cause I’m still tired. I just sent this out because I still need a ride and a place to go.

Raging against the white blood cells,

Poor Judgment Man.

Still Standing Right Here…

Frozen Rapids

Frozen Rapids

I’m coming back east! That’s right. Get prepared. Hide your children and your liquor and your little sisters (yeah, I went there). Anyway, I don’t have a lot of time to talk about it now, but I’m coming in Wednesday night around 6pm (anybody want to give me a ride somewhere?) and I’ll be here through the following Tuesday morning (ride back?). I’ll be carless (anybody want to be my chauffer? Lend me a car?), but I’ll have a lot of time.

I have a bad habit of scheduling these trips home months ahead of time and forgetting to tell anyone about them until I actually get to town. This is me not doing that. I’ll tell ya more later and I’ll see you all soon. But I have to run now to go freeze my ass off on some class 4 rapids. I have scheduled time to complain about that early next week.

Quote of the Day 10/13/06

Me: “How do they measure the class of rapids that a river is?”
Tony: “Number of deaths.”

Yeah, I think I already used it, but it’s funny and like I said, I’m under time constraints.

Catcha later, e-mail dudes,

Freezing Cricket.

Still Standing Right Here…

I Do… Eventually

I Do… Eventually

So there are a lot of people getting engaged right now. I don’t think I’m going to get any vacations this year, just a ride around a massive wedding carousel. Among the 6 that I already have on my plate are my sister and my best friend Joe from high school. Now, I’m pickled as punch about my sis and J-Me, but I need to talk about Joe’s impending doom for a sec, because it may affect more than just he and Becky.

See, the Four Horsemen (Kev, Mike, Joe and I) all kinda predicted the order in which we’d all get married after high school. And there was a very clear sequence in which this was supposed to happen. Kevin, Mike, me and then Joe. Kevin got married and that’s all I’ll say. The rest of us are still in the wading pool trying to figure out how to get to the deep end. Apparently Joe found a map. Or was given a map. Or got horse collared and drug to the deep end. I’m still not sure how it all went down. Anyway, this sacred event isn’t happening until next September thankfully. This means that Mike has to hurry up and get his ass through the intersection so I can squeeze my bumper over the crosswalk before the damn light changes. At least he’s got the head start of a girlfriend. I don’t know that I’ve been on what could be considered a date since maybe March. I don’t think people date in this town (please refer to my Brick Street rant if you want further clarification, that’s not what I’m here to talk about right now). So I’ve got some work to do. Look out world! I have a five dollar bet I made 27 years ago to force to come true…

Quote of the Day 10/9/06

“Do you want me to invite you to my wedding or do you just want to crash it?”

– The Future Mr. Becky Titlow

I kinda want to crash it to be honest. But I still want to have food and a place to sit. So I just won’t send my invitation back in. See Ferg, you’re not the only one.

Crashing and burning,

Big Fish.

Still Standing Right Here…

Owen Wilson Wannabe

Owen Wilson Wannabe

So I’ve taken up the hobby of crashing weddings. It’s not the lavish life that Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn lead exactly. They make it look easy. I also think they kinda ruined it for me before my career really got started. Because now when people hear that I’m crashing a wedding, they get that bedroom montage sequence stuck in their head and my game is shot. Just like how after Quick Change came out, you couldn’t rob a bank dressed up like a clown anymore.

Anyway, so this wedding was only really a half-crash. Not like the full on crash that Bill and I pulled off last year. Jihna and Adam are actually friends of mine. And they knew I was coming. In fact, I crashed at their place the night before and night of the wedding. I think I just like to crash things. Nobody should probably ever get in a car with me. So Ian and Erin were both invited to the wedding and Erin couldn’t make it. Ian thought I could just take Erin’s invitation since the wedding was just down the road in Columbus. I tried to tell him that wedding invitations aren’t like tickets to the O’s game that you can just scalp to anybody you want to. But apparently I’m wrong and he was right. There’s a first for everything. (Face!)

So I’ve found my niche at these functions. I’m the girlfriend sitter. I think it’s because I like to dance and traditionally guys do not, but girls do. So if there is a couple out there and the guy knows me well enough, I can dance with his girlfriend. This is kinda what happened at this most recent wedding half-crash. So now my new approach is to find a hot chick and go hit on her boyfriend during dinner. That way he trusts me enough to dance with her when that part rolls around. Unfortunately, this will not lead to the bedroom montage sequence later on. At least not for me. I think I found a flaw in my problem. Fortunately, I’ll have the opportunity to work on this like 23 times in the next year, starting with Ferg’s in two weeks. He and Nina are engaged right now but he refuses to call her his fiancée…

Quote of the Day 10/8/06

“That’s the French F word.”

– The Future Mr. Nina Fergus.

Rant to quote correlation: Very High.

Crashing into my bed,

D Rec.

Still Standing Right Here…