Idiot Tax: Revenge of the Savings Account

Idiot Tax: Revenge of the Savings Account

So I’m not feeling particularly funny today. This happens time to time. Like I wrote another e-mail and talked on IM for a while and I just wasn’t feeling it. It’s a lot like it is with sports. Some days the jumper is just falling and some days… it’s not (see, told you I wasn’t funny). But I need to tell you this story because it’s true and probably funny enough on its own that I can’t fuck it up with my mood.

I have my checking account linked to my savings account for overdraft protection purposes. This is nothing earth-shatteringly revolutionary by any means. I just do this should I accidentally lose track of exactly how much money I don’t have and take out more than I have in my checking. I also have my account set up to transfer a few bucks from checking to savings every 2 weeks. That way, I can earn up to 17 cents a month in interest (see, the funny isn’t working – I’ll just get to the story). Anyway, I checked my account today just to see how much money I don’t have. Turns out, it’s most of it. Some automatic transfer took more money out of my checking account than I had. So my savings account stepped up to the plate and saved the day (maybe that’s how it got the name “savings account”). It sacrificed some of its own money for the better of the team. And the bank only charged me $7 for this act of kindness. So I went to look at which transfer put me over the top. Car insurance? iTunes? Girls Gone Wild: Semester Abroad? Nope. It was the automatic debit that my savings account takes out every two weeks! (Say what?!)

To recap, my savings account tried to take more money from my checking account than was in there. When my checking account is threatened like that, my savings account deposits money in there to help out at a cost of $7 per transaction. So my savings account took too much out of my checking account so the same savings account had to put money into my checking account for it to take out. And my bank apparently charges my bank accounts $7 to play this fucked-up fiscal version of hot potato. The left hand didn’t take from the right hand, the left hand saw that the right hand didn’t have what it wanted, so it gave the right hand some of what it wanted, then took some of it back and threw some of it down the toilet. This is another example of idiot tax. But somehow I don’t feel like I’m the idiot this go-around.

Our camp was at Hueston Woods last week and I was taking pictures of the kids and counselors in the kayaks and out of the kayaks and stuff (man, I’m just really not hitting my stride today) and I pointed the camera at one of the counselors to try to get a shot of her with her towel folded up on her head to keep the sun off her face. She shoved her hand into the camera and said…

Quote of the Day 7/22/06

Jen: “No swimsuit shots.”
Me: “What if I promise to only get you from the head up?”
Jen: “No, I don’t really like my face either.”

OK, how about the forehead up?

Bankless in Ohio,

Fishman.

Still Standing Right Here…

The Dangers of Day Camp

The Dangers of Day Camp

I got to work yesterday morning to find a loving note from my buddy Claire saying simply “sorry I broke your glasses.” I was touched. Especially when I had a very sincere conversation with her later that day in which she tenderly told me that her dad made her do it. But deep down, I know she didn’t really mean it. And so I was out at lunch with the kiddies again and Mikala called me over to witness their little sorority meeting. They were going through the rules of their sorority. “Rule number one – we don’t talk to Dustin. Rule number two – we REALLY don’t talk to Dustin. Rule number three – we REALLY REALLY don’t talk to Dustin. Rule number four…” By the seventh rule, I started to get the pattern. I decided standing there getting ridiculed by 10-year old girls wasn’t the best use of my time. And so I started playing with the boys. Their games were very straight forward. They were grabbing me by the feet and trying to make me drag them across the yard. I finally broke myself loose and inevitably it turned into a spirited game of Get Mr. Dustin. This is a game where I run away from the kids and they chase after me. I generally always lose this game one way or another. I can play Dante Hall in the yard and fend them off for a decent amount of time, but all it takes in one kid to catch up to me and weaken my defenses, and then the game changes from Get Mr. Dustin to A Young Adult’s Fight For His Life. This game comes with a warning that Mr. Dustin is not responsible for anyone injured as a result of me falling on them because of the hundreds of pounds of kids anchoring my balancing mechanisms and the other hundreds of pounds of them pushing my torso in different directions. Unfortunately, that warning encompasses myself also.

I have a friend named Erick who I don’t hear from very often, but when I do, he makes his presence known. He decided to chime in with his analogy amongst all of my recent attempts.

Quote of the Day 7/18/06

“Being single is like Texas Hold ‘Em. If you play like an idiot, you can confuse people into submission. Or lose all of your money. Or your pants.”

-Erick

If you think you can do better, chime on in.

Running into the sun but I’m running behind,

Extendo.

Still Standing Right Here…

Damn the DNA

Damn the DNA

Thank you all for your support/criticism/laughter in my very immediate direction in response to my first real weekend off the DL. I’m afraid I’m going to have to write about something else today since there has been no movement forward or backward on the female front since Friday night. Which is usually a step backward. But who knows with women? Apparently no movement can sometimes be a step forward. Which, by the way, is just stupid. I hate these silly games. This is nothing like euchre or asshole or any card game that I’ve ever played. This is like a blind squirrel in a dark room looking for a broken clock that probably doesn’t exist. If you’re into that game, go ahead and have a go. I’m going to go sit under a tree and wait for my watch to break (don’t look too deeply into that – it doesn’t mean anything).

Speaking of breaking things, there’s this girl Claire at camp who I have more of a soft spot for than I probably should. She has shown over and over now that she’s one of the most ornery and misbehaved (bad) kids at camp. And I’m such a softie (pushover). I have lost complete control over these kids. Seriously. I show up to an event and they all get out of the nice line the counselors spent 10 minutes getting them in and run over and steal my keys and visor and sanity. And I can’t get them to give it back. They stopped listening to me sometime ago. I noticed it last week when we were out in a canoe floating towards an oncoming jet boat and the two girls refused to give me the paddle or try to veer from the oncoming vehicle’s course. So I know it’s my fault and I let it escalate this far, but the inevitable happened. At lunch today, Claire reached up to try to steal my glasses and broke them in half. And there was no expression of remorse. In fact, she laughed and ran away with the half she had taken. This girl is 10. Let’s go back to the gender thing again. No boy at camp would do this. What is up with that second X chromosome? I suppose it’s good to know that it’s a DNA thing and we, as a gender, never had a shot.

Anyway, back to Claire. This is the type of person she is. They have this little mini-sorority that is basically premised on not talking to me. I’m not kidding. They have a pact to not talk to me unless it’s to say something mean. Instead of talking about philanthropy at their meetings, they plot on ways to tip me out of a canoe and take the keys to my car and throw them down a sewer grate. So one day, Claire was asking one of the female counselors what male counselors she wanted to date. The female counselor thankfully did not involve herself in this conversation. Claire went on to express her opinion…

Quote of the Day 7/17/06

“Well I like Chris, then Ben, then Mike, then Geremy, then somebody, then somebody, then somebody, then somebody, then somebody, then Dustin.” -Unfair Claire

For the record, there are no other “somebodys.” Only 5 of us.

Living blurry for a week,

Glassless in Oxford.

Still Standing Right Here…

And Then There Were None

If you haven’t read Nerds Gone Wild yet, it will make this a lot funnier.

And Then There Were None

Crap! I got pigeon-holed! Girl A called and wanted to hang out almost the second after I got done writing that last quote of the day. I asked what her other friends were doing and she said she wanted to just hang out with me. Well, this throws a serious wrench into my plans. Especially since Girl A is my only link to that crowd. So I bit the bullet and went to shoot pool with Girl A at Balcony. It’s cool that it was just the two of us because she didn’t want to have to compete with Girl B again and it’s cool that I bought every drink. And I tried to equal her flirtivity but I just couldn’t. And then Girl C came in. Girl C and I had been out a couple times in the last two weeks. Alright, D Playa. Time to dance. And I danced. And I can dance. I think I channeled the ghost of Jesse Ghiorzi, my old playa coach to help me out of that one. Situation diffused. But then it got tough.

Later at Bagel & Deli, I ran into Angie, the feminist I went out with a few times in January who was very drunk and very loudly wanted to know why I never called her back (Dustin life update: this has never happened before and probably will never happen again). It’s almost like every outstanding relationship I was in all collided on that night. I’m a little surprised Megan “I know who you are, I dated you for 7 months” O’Brien wasn’t behind the counter throwing alfalfa sprouts at me. And after all this mess, Girl A went home seemingly a little irritated and no longer interested.
So it turns out, I was right. I lost both of these girls and pissed off a few other people in the process. It’s only been a couple weeks and I feel like I already need a break. Looks like I’m not as good at euchre as I thought. Actually, being single is more like asshole. I have a vague idea how to play, but the rules change so much, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m sure I’ll compare it to another card game next week. Oh, and here’s what to say if you ever use that parking space analogy in front of any girl who says “Well, what about me…”

Quote of the Day 7/16/06

“Well, baby. You’re like a motorcycle spot. It’s a good spot, but not everybody drives a motorcycle.”

-Justin Somethingorother

Actually, I don’t really think that dug him out of trouble. But it was funny.

Back to the drawing board,

D Lonely.

Still Standing Right Here…

Nerds Gone Wild

Nerds Gone Wild

Ah, what the hell…

From zero to playa in 4 weeks.

Warning! Asshole alert ahead! Yeah, I can be an asshole sometimes. I’m gonna tell you about one of those times. It’s right now. And I have a few apprehensions about sending this out, so I hope you all appreciate the defamation of my own character for your amusement.

See there’s this group of girls (and guys) that I kinda randomly met playing volleyball this past Monday. They’re all college math geeks from all over the country here for a nerds gone wild trip for four weeks over the summer. I could tell this one girl was pretty into me. She was pretty cool. Her friends were also pretty cool (danger – fence straddling ahead!). Especially this one in particular. No! Stupid Dustin! Ah, what the hell… So we wound up at B Dubs late one night – me, the two of them and another quieter girl who didn’t make the cut (OK, now I’m just being cocky). Anyway, the first girl, who we’ll call Girl A was definitely making eyes at me that even an idiot (apparently) could see. But then the other girl (Girl B) who I liked got real drunk and took over the conversation. And I’m not one to shy away from vibrant conversation. The night ended up in us clearing away some tables and doing cheer routines. I was in. And thankfully I have an unbiased female confidant to help me interpret these signals like a good third base coach. She told me that they were probably both into me the way they both acted and then she proceeded to let me behind the curtain.

Apparently, there’s an inherent competition between females for a guys attention. Complete strangers, best friends, family members, it doesn’t matter. These females have some sort of code to try to vie for the attention of the other species. This code is very different from the male code, where if a female is showing interest, it is the other male’s responsibility to stay as far away from that situation as possible, even if it involves giving your friend the keys to your car and walking home. And looking back, now I see it. The more Girl B would talk to me and show me cheer moves, the more Girl A would reach across the table and pat me on the arm. So Jill says if I just feign interest in the both of them, I should be able to take my pick by week’s end, should that be what I want (jeez, I’m actually starting to want to slap myself). This is great news for me, because nobody is better in feigning interest than me. So anyway, I’ll keep you all posted on how this situation turns out (or I can just skip ahead in time and tell you that I’m gonna screw it up with both of them and probably piss some other people off in the process). But until then, I have hope. And that’s all I need. And alcohol.

And while I’m being an asshole, I may as well sell out another friend from a while ago…

Quote of the Day 7/14/06

“Women are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken. And the rest are handicapped.”

-Keith D

Being single is like playing euchre for me. Just because I don’t like the game doesn’t mean I’m not good at it.

-Back in the game,

-D Playa.

Still Standing Right Here…