Warning: This one isn’t very funny. But it also isn’t very long.
Talkin Bout a Resolution
A lot of you don’t know this, but I made a New Years Resolution last year to not drink any soda. Except for the little bit they put in the top of a long island ice tea. I did it because I wanted to try to consciously eat and drink more healthily. So instead of drinking soda for dinner, I’d have the only other thing in our fridge, beer. And on long road trips where I needed caffeine, I’d drink red bull. Or do some speed. And my roommate and girlfriend who refused to remember this made it difficult at bars. I’d have to ask the bartenders to try to separate the jack from the coke on many occasions. So where everybody else will be drinking champagne at midnight tonight, I’ll be looking around for a mountain dew. So this year, I’ve decided to really challenge myself. I’m going to try to drink nothing but soda. I’ll let you know how that turns out…
The 7th Day of Quotemas 2006
“Kate has the worst sense of direction in the world.” – Colin “What makes you say that?” – Me “Well, first of all, she doesn’t know her left from her right or north from south.” – Colin
So I got an e-mail address from another hot waitress at Fox & Hound when I went home. The age old argument about whether she was hot or cute transpired and because of my state of inebriation and the fact that I don’t remember the outcome of the argument or which side I was on at the time, I’m just going to pick one and I’m going with hot. Anyway, we got to talking and it turns out we had something in common. I wanted beer and she was willing to bring it to me. Yeah, I know that’s not technically something that we have in common since they’re actually the exact opposite of each other. So anyway, I got drunk and told her I had a daily e-mail humor column. Which as you all know, isn’t true at all. But it sounds better than “I write a stupid rant when I get around to it.” Regardless, neither one of them is going to get me any action. And I still have to live with the guilt of lying. I should have told her I have a big penis and a lot of money. If I’m going to lie, I may as well give myself the best chance to reap the rewards of deceit.
OK, this guy comes from a long time ago when I was incredibly… we’ll say “kidding.” It was last New Years Eve and I know I didn’t write about it yet. I had my birthday liquor mask on and Meatwad, Kevin and Tony made sure I was able to stumble out to the subway after the party. On said subway, I ran into a girl and I told her it was my birthday. This line worked out much better than “I write a blog-type thing that nobody really has access to read.” So we were making out on the subway. Pretty much the whole ride, however long it was. Then we got off and she stayed on and I never saw her again to my knowledge. I damned Tony, Kev and Wad for not being good wing men…
The Sixth Day of Quotemas 2006
Me: “You guys are supposed to be my friends! How come you couldn’t talk her into coming back to your place?” Tony: “Because she had friends too.”
Ooooooohhhhhh! New plan. I need to find somebody without friends.
So my mom just told me that the 12 days of Christmas actually originally started on Christmas Eve and ended on January 6th. This is not the news you should give to a chronic procrastinator. But anyway, it gives me an excuse besides “I’m not getting paid and I have free will, so shut up.” That one always works though.
Good Joe came by the other night to say hi to the family and then pick me up and go do what I’ll talk about on the sixth day of Quotemas. Anyway, I gave him my gift, which actually happened to be on time, but unwrapped and I still didn’t care if he liked it or not. Turns out he didn’t already have a Corona lava lamp. What are the odds? So anyway, staying with the theme of not caring whether or not the gifts were on time, Joe said that he still needed to “go pick mine up.” I’ve known Joe for 14 years now. This of course means he didn’t have anything at all or a clue of what it would be. And that’s fine with me, so long as he’s not stressing out about it. So I jokingly asked him if it was a Jeff Garcia Eagles jersey. He said no. I asked if it was an Eagles hat…
The Fifth Day of Quotemas 2006
“Uh, no… but keep guessing.”
- Joe Crastinator
Get it? Cause he didn’t get me anything yet. I can’t wait to tell you what he decided on.
You’ll notice that the days of Quotemas don’t necessarily sync up with the days of Christmas. This is in theme with both the not caring about things that are late this holiday season and the recent (last five years) theme with the “quote of the day” not being daily or even in measurable increments of time. It will probably be closer to the 12 days of New Years Day. But anyway… MERRY CHRISTMAS to those of you who celebrate that sort of thing. And to those that don’t, enjoy the rest of the world giving you the day off of your obligations. I’m making this short because I need to wrap presents that will stay wrapped for about 2 minutes and then go get my eagles gear on. A Philly/Dallas football game on Christmas Day. It truly is the holiday season. J Oh, and check out this website. You can elf yourself for the holiday season. http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=a219f56a46d99c876c33b16G06122422
The Fourth Day of Quotemas 2006
Me: “I’m warning you ahead of time that I am going with the theme that I’ve decided not to care about whether or not people like my gifts this year.” Uncle Ed: “Well, you’re in luck. I’m going with the theme this year that I’m going to pretend to like everything that I get.”
He either really liked that Corona lava lamp or he’s a hell of an actor.
Technology is a wonderful thing, but it’s actually making it harder to shop for people. You can’t buy CDs anymore because it’s so easy to download music illegally. And with Netflix and digital cable and DVRs, you can’t really buy DVDs anymore either. And with streaming internet and unprotected free wireless signals floating around everywhere, you really don’t even need to buy porn anymore. I hope everybody likes Corona bottle shaped lava lamps, because that’s pretty much all there is left. This is why I’m glad I decided that I don’t care if people like their gifts or not. That’s this year’s theme.
Speaking of porn, I recently heard that 1% of all the pages on the internet are porn…
The Third Day of Quotemas 2006
“That’s it? I would think that much would just be Asian porn.” - Christmas Conover
A porn quote on Christmas Eve. Nobody tell my mom.