The Cicada Monologues

The Cicada Monologues

So I went to Austin and came back to find that the cicadas haven’t all died off yet. And they’re out in force now like they’re pissed off about something. Maybe my insidious mockery of their species (Ed. note: he doesn’t know what the word insidious means and don’t bother correcting him because he never will), but I somehow doubted. I’d say they’re swarming now, but I don’t really think they could form a swarm. When I think of swarms, I think of organized schools of creatures moving together as one. These guys aren’t nearly as organized, which makes them more annoying, but less likely to be the leading role in an NBC made-for-TV horror movie. It’s really gotten to the point that I see other insects around and my first thought is like “Hey. You’re not a cicada! Who the hell do you think you are?!?” Like grasshoppers should cease to exist for a month or something. I’ve actually had two run-ins with cicadas since I’ve been back. Both happen to be moderately humorous, which is to your benefit.

Tuesday, I was coming to a stop sign and I saw a cicada headed on a trajectory that looked like it would lead it right into my window. I thought about skidding to a stop or swerving, but then I thought that was a slight overreaction, so I just ignored the cicada path flight in hopes that it would bank left or something. I’m not going to let these ignorant fuckers dictate how I stop at a stop sign. So I stopped and sure enough the bastard flew right into my window and conked me in the head with a hammer (OK, maybe not) and it still freaked me out like I was a little 3rd grade schoolgirl. Thankfully I swatted it out the window in my epileptic fit of “get it off!” So that was Tuesday.

Today was even funnier because it involved a third party. I got pulled over today for rolling through a stop sign that I roll through everyday. It’s at the bottom of a hill and my brakes are so shot, I can feel the drum solo from Bonzo’s Montreaux playing in the wheel well when I try to stop, so I feel no need to put further wear and tear on my car just to dignify federal law. I refrained from telling the cop all this, despite the fact that I was drunk off my ass at 9:30 in the morning (no he wasn’t). Anyway, I pulled to the side of the road, and I hadn’t learned from yesterday or countless near misses I’ve had, to drive with the windows up for these few weeks. And I happened to pull over right next to an extremely high cicada traffic area. So as I’m ducking into my glove box to get my registration, one of those icky fuckers takes a B-line for my head (again) and kamikaze dive-bombs into my car. I freak out (again). But this time I’ve got a situation to handle. So I manage to lose the cicada in the car and I continue to fumble for my registration.

The cop comes and asks for my license and registration. I tell him I’m working on it and that there’s a live cicada in the car and not to freak out if it flies up at him. This was really just a courtesy because I’m sure whether he was warned or not, he was gonna freak out if the cicada came up from underneath the tape deck and dive-bombed him in the head. So he chuckled and asked if I knew why he pulled me over. “Because I rolled through that stop sign that I -…” and I stopped myself just in time, despite the fact that I was high at 10:45 in the morning (Ed. note: Dustin likes to lie a lot. Good luck separating the truth from the bullshit (Ed note 2: Not only do I edit my own material, but I do it as I type it, which isn’t really editing at all. My English teacher is probably rolling over in her grave right now. Except she’s still alive, so she’s probably just rolling over in her bed. Sorry about the rant, but I’ve been hitting myself in the head with a bat for the last half hour).). [Where the hell was I?] Long story medium, he gave me a warning. I don’t know if it was because I worked at UMBC, my humorous and jovial demeanor, or the fact that he made me play with his testicles for 10 minutes, but I got off (I’m not going there). But now there’s a cicada in my car and it gives me the willies because I couldn’t find it. As the cop was writing the warning, I actually got out of my car and looked under the seats for the damn thing, but to no avail. So I’m gonna have a dead suffocated or heat-stroked cicada in my car. And maybe I’ll have about 500 more of them in my car in 17 years. That would probably shoot the resale value to shit.

Quote of the Day 5/31/04

“You know if you pinch their wings together, they can’t move.”

-OIT Dan

I think this quote is funny because a 23-yr-old Aikido brown belt TA has owned up to knowing a submission hold for cicadas. I’m sure his students are proud.

Using the AC for a few weeks,

Hiding cricket.

Still Standing Right Here…

On the Way

On the Way

So I want to throw another one of these out here real quick before I leave for a week to Austin. In case you didn’t know, I’m going to Texas to visit my sis for a week. And I’m not doing it the traditional way. I’m taking a train from Washington to Austin. And I’m going through Chicago. I guess it’s on the way. I should check my map. And then I’m flying back from Houston to Baltimore. I haven’t yet figured out how I’m getting from Austin to Houston, but it’s only Texas. It can’t be that big of a state. OK, it’s late. I’m gonna have to go pack. Do they give you pillows on a train?

Quote of the Day 5/23/04

“Well, it’s not exactly the way the crow would fly.”

-Mr. Hershey (about my train’s stop in Chicago)

The crow would probably have a 3 hour layover in Dallas/Fort Worth.

It’s a step up from Greyhound,

Austin Fisher.

Still Standing Right Here…

Roommates Wanted, Cicadas Not

Roommates Wanted, Cicadas Not

I’d be pissed if I were a cicada. They waited 17 years to come out and they finally come out and it’s been rainy and crappy since they got here. I’d be like “fuck this man, i’m going back in the ground. i’ll see you all next year. i mean, why the fuck do we all gotta come out at the same time and shit? do other animals do this? fuck no! dem fuckin bees been here since i was here last time and i can here them out there makin honey an shit every year. it’s bullshit! this is my one two-week vacation every 17 years and i ain’t spendin it outside in the fuckin rain! dat’s why we ain’t indigenous to seattle an shit. peace out.” At least that’s how I figured I’d talk if I were a cicada. But it’s hard to really tell.

This letter isn’t so much a quote of the day as it is a plea for roommates in the fall. And not to put the squeeze on, but I need to know by tonight. All my roommates are engaged and moving out. I’m to that age now I guess. I actually went to two weddings in the same week. So I figured that hanging out with younger people would better my odds of feeling younger. Nope. All 3 of my roommates are engaged at 22, 23 and 22 years old. I’m going to have to start hanging out with high school kids now just to make sure they aren’t all getting married. At least at that age, they’re only having kids (ouch). Sorry, I got off track. I AM LOOKING FOR TWO ROOMMATES BEGINNING AUGUST 2004 IN CATONSVILLE. They’re moving out and I need to renew my lease by tomorrow if I’m going to at all. Either that, or I WILL NEED A PLACE TO STAY BEGINNING AUGUST 2004. I would prefer if only people around the Maryland area would respond. Though I know Kevin needs a roommate up in Maine, I don’t really care much for the 15 minute commute from Columbia. I have a feeling 9 hours would get on my nerves. Unless you have a job that goes along with it. In which case, I AM LOOKING FOR A ROOM AND A JOB AND A ROOMMATE. MAYBE A DOG. I HAVEN’T DECIDED YET. Yeah, but I need to know by tonight if anybody just wants to hop into the extra rooms. Call me if you are seriously thinking about it. But not if you’re in a bad mood. I don’t need all that shit on my mind what with all this cicada nonsense looming over me.

So I went to the great Geoff Rupert’s wedding. If you don’t know Geoff, picture whatever friend of your who you’d thought would be a bachelor forever. Now picture him getting married. That’s Geoff. He was doing shots during his wedding and his dad was talking over the microphone. Mike went running over to him to tell him his dad was giving a speech and Geoff came back into the main room. After a few seconds, he returned to his shot. His dad was still talking and Mike gave Geoff a look…

Quote Of the Day 5/18/04

“What? He wasn’t even talking about me.”

-Julie Rupert’s husband


Clinging onto whatever I can now,


Still Standing Right Here…