The Raven 2001

The Raven 2001
Hey everybody. I spent a long time on this and I really like it. Probably better than last year’s Ode To the Stain On Your New Rug. Anyway, if you like this and feel like forwarding it on to anybody else you know, I’d consider it a compliment. Thanks a ton.


The (new) Raven
-as adapted by Dustin Fisher

Once upon a long off season, Ravens fans were given reason
To sit in the bleachers freezin, spilling nachos on the floor –
For Ray Lewis was aquitted, Sharpe and Coates were then admitted,
All the pieces neatly fitted, shaped to form an inner core.
So the pieces came together forming thence a champion core.
“Praise the Lord” quoth Baltimore.

But I recall in the beginning, ‘fore the Ravens started winning,
Twere not many fans a-grinning for a team which could not score.
It’s already been three games, and still the touchdown drought remains.
The city started pointing blames; they could not take this anymore.
“Surely we can fix this problem and thence rise again once more.”
And so speaketh Baltimore.

With the offense all disjointed, Banks – the scapegoat – was appointed,
“Lynch him! Lynch him! He’s the one! Thence we shall rise again once more.”
Then they turned to this Dilfer guy and gave his head and arm a try.
The city loved him for he’d cry; he’d cry and we’d not know what for.
Maybe twas his second chance at Tampa he was longing for.
We’d speculate, but never sure.

Then week ten had come around, the team not looking playoff bound,
For still the end zone was not found; they hadn’t seen it since week four.
Then, a play I’d not believe, a pass which Stokely did recieve,
And searching for his team’s reprieve, dove to the pilon for the score.
The city cheered unlikely heros, for the Ravens found a score.
Quoth the city “We want more.”

Touchdowns started freely flowing, and now with the offense going,
This whole city started glowing; something special was in store.
Then the Ravens spoke their credos: “Who out there thinks they can beat us?
“Who among you will defeat us? This, of you, we do implore!
“Is there any better football team among us? We implore!”
Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

Cincinnati took a shot, the Chargers might as well have not,
And though Dallas came in hot, they went home without having scored.
Many teams would think they’re ready, holding to their game plan steady,
But not even mighty Eddie put a C-note on the board.
Corey, Fred and even Eddie still fell short on the scoreboard.
Quoth the Ravens “This is war!”

Then the regular season ended, but the Ravens’ was extended.
All vacations were suspended, playoffs knocked upon their door.
First the Broncos were impaled, the Mighty Titans fell and failed,
The Raiders, they jumped ship and bailed for them there pirates lost the war.
Even armed with Gannon’s cannons, still the Raiders lost the war.
Quoth the Ravens “Never score.”

And so they made it to the dance, though no reporter gave them chance
Except that prophet Sterling Sharpe, whose bald head we all still adore.
Still, these birds had made a science out of hands-down odds defiance,
A position which the Giants likened with from weeks before.
Both the Ravens and the Giants, underdogs in weeks before.
Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

So with this game’s obvious pretense of both teams now preaching defense,
Twas to be a Superbowl to which reporters called a bore.
Most had thought they’d come out mellow; some, I’ll bet, saw them as yellow.
But hey! There’s that Stokely fellow granting them an early score.
Brandon Stokely once again would give the birds a needed score.
Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

Then New York began to stumble, still the Ravens would not crumble.
That record-setting defense got four picks and would not heed a score.
Shannon Sharpe would say he knew it – Kerry Collins claims he blew it –
Marvin Lewis, cool all through it, breathed a sigh he’d not before.
All the city cheered a cheer they’d never got to cheer before.
Cheered the Ravens “Nevermore.”

Ray got MVP as planned, though Dilfer went to Disneyland,
And all the fans would storm the streets from Fells Point to the Harbor shore.
Last year’s memories hath faded, Raven fans were too elated
For now Billick celebrated “Finally, we won the war!”
Finally the nation realized what these ominous birds of war
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

Review of “Frequency”

Review of Frequency

Well, I went out to see one of the possibly 10 best movies I’ve ever seen on Friday. I was all prepared to come back here and tell everybody how awesome The Gift was, which I still might do… But then I saw what I’m now considering my new favorite movie. It’s replacing The Sixth Sense. It has to. The Sixth Sense gave me major chills. This one gave me the same chills and made me hyperventilate in a way that I thought I was having an episode. And I know I lost some degree of respect when I gave Unbreakable as high a rating as I gave it, but this is the real thing. Go see Frequency NOW! Bring a paper bag.

Here’s the premise. It’s 1999. There’s an old guy who can mystically communicate with his dead father in 1969 on a ham radio. I know, I know. You just have to accept the premise and move on. Like Quantum Leap or Back To the Future. Or the electoral process. Why 88 miles per hour? No, it doesn’t make sense, but no one has ever time travelled yet to the knowledge of the greater public. That’s another great thing about the concept of time travel in a film. Nobody’s really gonna pose a serious argument that it wouldn’t happen that way. “There’s no way dogs can see Dean Stockwell, that’s just silly.” “I seriously doubted that if Old Jennifer saw Young Jennifer that it would begin a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum.” So yeah, just accept it and move on, OK? It’s for your own good.

I don’t want to ruin the movie by going into detail, but let’s just say that (as you would expect from a time travel flick) the son from the future tells his dad (Dennis Quaid) some info that helps him avoid his death, but then in turn, creates a chain reaction that does bad things to a lot of people. So he has to help dad try to put right what went wrong. And I know I said that there can’t really be any room for argument about time travel, but it does need to be at least consistant with itself for the duration of the movie. This storyline seems to be air tight to me, and it’s extrememly well written. And while nobody ended up sleeping with their own grandfather in Frequency, it was still a good romp. I’m giving it the new highest ranking of what would be the equivalent of a number whose limit is approaching 11 bugs from above, hence bringing it as close as you can get to 11, but still being a little bit higher. For those of you who aren’t math nerds, that’s 11.

Still Standing Right Here…

Dad’s Gambling Theorem

Dad’s Gambling Theorem

In the spirit of Frequency, I’m going back in time for this next quote, and it involves my dad. No ham radio, though. Anyway, I was telling him my theory on why casinos make money when I got back from Reno. In a nut shell, here it is: See, when you’re up $200, you could always be up $300, or even $900. You can always go higher into the positive. But if you start out with $400 and you get to a point where you have $0, you are done. There’s a sense of closure. Unless of course, you were stupid enough to not tell somebody to hide your credit cards. Then, who knows where the night can take you. So anyway, I was telling him about my idea of there being closure when you go broke…

Quote Of the Day 1/19/01

“Oh, I get it. So there’s closure… and then shortly thereafter there’s foreclosure.”

-The Dad

Spoken like an experienced gambler.

Passed the red and into the maroon,

DuckPin Dustin.

Still Standing Right Here…

Rating Women’s Hair Color

Rating Women’s Hair Color

Blonds – OK. Blonds are typically looked at as the sexiest hair color in women. About 85% of guys are looking for a tall blond woman, or something like that. Lots more girls dye their hair blond to try to impress more guys (and girls) than other colors. I’d like to dispel this rumor. But I can’t. As much as I try to have a different favorite hair color, it’s hard. Don’t know what it is, but the media is right sometimes. They missed the boat on wrestling completely, but blonds are fun to look at. A

Brunettes – Brunettes span the attractive woman superlatives. They can be cute or sexy, pretty or exotic, Treat Her Right or Back That Ass Up. I guess blonds can be too, and so can redheads too for that matter, but there’s something about Charlotte from Sex & the City that just does it for me over the rest of them. Of course, Miranda isn’t really representing redheads that well. Anyway, brunettes have that look in their eye like they’ve got it all together. I don’t know what I’m talking about. A

Redheads – I’ve always had a redhead fetish as far as I can remember, and I don’t know why. A girl with red hair for some reason gets a little leeway in other areas (such as the face) with me just because she’s got red hair. I don’t know why that is, but I’m sure I seem like a superficial prick to all of you now. Well, I figure you all know me well enough by now anyway. Besides, it’s a subconscious decision, which makes me a subconscious prick, which probably isn’t any better at all. A

Bald chicks – Well, I’ve only ever actually known and spoke to one bald chick and she was big and frightened me before she was bald, so it would be unfair to say I’m intimidated by all bald chicks, but based on the fact that they are still female, the can’t get below an A -. A –

Greenheads – OK. These girls get below an A-. Same with orange, pink, purple, teal, etc. That just screams “FREAK.” Except for that girl on Temptation Island. I think she’s my favorite. But that’s just the exception, thus proving the rule. D

While home in PA on another hot tub night, Teresa brought up how close we all seemed to be as friends, but also how incestuous we are with dating all the same people. It’s like that Kevin Bacon game getting from one of us to another. Except Kevin. Kevin can definitely claim he’s not incestuous. He went on to explain that it was just a choice…

Quote Of the Day 1/16/01

“Because I couldn’t get any of your girls and nobody wanted mine. Remember Collete?! Who’s gonna do that?”

– Kevin

I said it was a choice. I didn’t say it was his choice.
Also, I’d like to commend him on a proper use of the word “that.”

In search of a blond brunette redhead,

The Extendinator.

Still Standing Right Here…

Happy New Beer

Happy New Beer

So the Ravens are in the Superbowl. And they’re playing the Giants. I’ll bet a lot of bookies are making a lot of money right now. If things keep going well for them, Trent Dilfer will be the worst quarterback in history to ever win the Superbowl. I wouldn’t mind that title. But it looks like I’m going to have to wait at least another year to get it.

Well, as you all possibly know already, I went to the Inner Harbor for New Years Eve with 5 guys and no chicks. Upon retrospect, that’s maybe one of the few things about that night I’d change. Anyway, we wound up in the middle of the inner harbor at exactly the stroke of midnight. I think I kissed a girl I didn’t and still don’t know. If memory serves me correctly, I think she was surprised and not necessarily pleasantly. Ah, she’ll get over it. But anyway, from there, we went to Max’s, who, unbeknownst to us, was having a private party. We had no idea of this until they didn’t charge us for drinks. I don’t remember leaving the bar. I remember talking to a girl named Shannon who Mike later said was hot. But what the hell would he know, he doesn’t remember leaving the bar either. Apparently we wrestled on the way home and I pinned him and then proceeded to shove his head into the mulch repeatedly. That’s the kind of crap you wish you could remember. Oh well. We were reminiscing about the events of the previous night (that which we could recall) at the International House of Hangovers, and Tony sarcastically interjected…

Quote Of the Day 1/15/01

Tony: “Dustin, at one point, you were hitting on a lamppost.”
Me: “Well, she was hot.”
Mike: “Yeah, but not very bright.”

But she was probably at least 18.

And the beat goes on,


Still Standing Right Here…