Rating American Time Zones

American Time Zones

Central – As time zones go in the US, this one is fairly acceptable. It’s the largest one in the country due in large part to Texas, but it does split the Dakotas and Nebraska in half with the Mountain Time Zone, which is pretty fucked up. B

Pacific – The Pacific time zone only takes up 4 states and a small part of Idaho. Very underachieving. It’s our smallest time zone and I think I know why. People have to wake up at like 8 in the morning on a Sunday to watch football. Who the hell wants to do that? And I was over in Portland during a Monday Night Football game and midway through the 4th quarter, it was still light out. I just couldn’t live like that. Then again, I wouldn’t need to stay up until 3am just to watch Moonlighting. C-

Eastern – This is obviously the dominant time zone in the country. Everything is “Eastern time.” 10:00 Eastern time, 8 eastern/7 central time, coming up except on the west coast… That’s another reason I don’t like the Pacific time zone. They always gotta be different. Also, “Eastern Time” has now turned commonly into “Eastern Standard Time,” further supporting that dominant time zone theory. A

Mountain – I’ve had my problems with this damn time zone in the past, and they were for very justified reasons. They just don’t care as much about times and schedules out there. They have states that just don’t feel like setting their clocks back or ahead ever. That can really fuck up a couple long distance travellers trying to pick up somebody’s sister from the airport. And I had to argue with Kevin for about 2 hours to finally convince him that there weren’t 5 time zones in the continental US. Stupid Arizona. D+

The Wadfather was down here for a little bit over Thanksgiving Break. Russ, Tony, and I had the fortune of dining with him at Rocky Run before he left again for Boston. He was telling us that we should come up to visit him sometime. He mentioned a Pub that he goes to a lot. They have a dollar draft happy hour and they have Guiness, Bass, Magic Hat 9, Resurrection…

Quote Of the Day 11/28/00

“You had me at Guiness.”


Don’t even get me started on the International Date Line.

Too tired to think,


Still Standing Right Here…

Why We Should Have a Queen

Why We Should Have a Queen

Well, they’ve finally reached a decision, and it looks like Bush is finally going to be our president. Oh, wait. No, they made the decision too quickly. This is now going in circles. It’s insane. I think the winner is going to be the one who doesn’t concede. Eventually, somebody’s going to just give up, and the other one will become president, and will most likely be hated for the crap they put the nation through to get in there. I wonder what other countries think of us. “Dumb American fucks. That’s why they should have a queen.” So now Gore is pleading that they should go through and count all the votes in Florida, and Bush is complaining that the Florida state law says that they’re not supposed to. And he’s right. What the hell kind of law is against counting all the votes? This is why I don’t vote. It’s very discouraging. So Gore wants all the votes to be counted because he’s losing. That’s natural. And Bush wants them to stick to their word, their law, and concede the presidential race to him because they didn’t count all the ballots in time. That stinks. I really don’t have a strong feeling about either of these guys, but for Bush to come across basically saying that the will of the US citizens is not as important as what the Florida law says makes him sound like a bunghole. How will Americans be able to support this guy after that? And the Gore campaign claims that if they counted the partially indented ballots, that he’d probably be winning now. I guess Democrats just aren’t as adept at punching holes. Whatever. I’m willing to bet that whoever it is that will finally be our president will only be there for one term. Unless of course, Dukakis runs again.

I went back home to spend this past weekend with some old friends in PA. As usually happens, we wound up playing this game which greatly resembles Scattegories, but instead of categories like “Boys name,” and “things that are black,” we have categories like “Bad pick up lines,” “stupid animals and an explanation why,” and “euphemisms for genitalia and/or sex.” Well, one of the categories was “Fake Onion Headlines,” and for those of you who don’t know, the Onion is a farce of a news magazine with articles both in print and online such as “Dallas Receiver Arrested For Failure To Possess Cocaine,” and “80 Billion Tons Of Jar Jar Merchandise Now 70 Percent Off.” Anyway, the letter was P and here was Good Joe’s Onion Headline…

Quote Of the Day 11/27/00

Presidential Race Finally Over, Bush To Become President For Remaining Year and a Half of Term

-Good Joe

It could happen.

Not necessarily the news,


Still Standing Right Here…

Rating Aspects of the Holidays

Aspects of the Holidays

Cookies – This is probably one of the best aspects of Christmas there is. Everywhere you go, people are offering you cookies and making cookies for you. It’s gotta suck for people trying to watch their weight because they can’t escape the endless torture that this cookie making holiday hell imposes upon them. But for the rest of us, eat on! A

Presents – Well, this is a two-edged sword. Unless you don’t care what other people think of your gifts or of what you get. I think it’s cool to get a nice gift every once in a while, but I think I stress out too much around the holidays about whether or not my Aunt is going to appreciate thoroughly the Espresso machine made in the shape of Paul Reiser’s head. And it turns out that grandma doesn’t listen to gangsta rap anymore either. And God forbid you forget anybody. But it is cool getting shit you want but wouldn’t pay for. B+

Vacation Time – This is the single greatest thing about this holiday. Everybody has off. Schools and all other businesses. Schools are lucky enough to have off the entire week between Christmas and New Years. That’s an awesome break to relieve some tension between summers. The students do however, have to worry about finals all the way up until the actual holiday on occasion. But if you’re lucky enough to work at a college, you get the best of both worlds. A+

Family – Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing my family get together, and the kids are great. But on the flip side, I get “So, are you seeing anybody? Why not? Is something the wrong with you? What ever happened to old what’s her name? I know somebody you’d like.” No you don’t, grandma. And even if you did, it doesn’t work that way anymore. We have no cattle to trade her family. And I don’t have a farm that would require a child to plow it anyway. But I can handle that. It’s when they lapse back into “So, when are you getting a real job? Did your parents bust their ass so you could become a flag football referee?” that I can’t stand. I’m sure they’re interested, but nothing’s going on and I’d rather not talk about it. But you can’t say that to them or it’s considered rude, or so I found out on Thanksgiving 98. B

One of my secretaries (I have several) was telling us today how her dog chased her cat up into her tree. We thought this was moderately amusing until she mentioned it was her Christmas tree. That’s really funny. I can picture ornaments flying off, tinsel getting stuck all over the cat’s fur and in its paws. She didn’t have to call the fire dept thankfully, but between the pine needles and the unhappy bitch cat, she required 13 stitches. Anyway, she was telling this story to my boss and myself, among others, to which my boss replied…

Quote Of the Day 11/19/00

“That’s why I don’t have a cat. Or a dog. Or a tree.”

-Boss Man G.

Of course, he’s Jewish. That event would likely start a 3 alarm fire in his house.

Going home for Christmas,

Screaming Cricket.

Still Standing Right Here…

It’s Election, Boogie Woogie Woogie

It’s Election, Boogie Woogie Woogie

Well, it seems like a decision has finally been made about the presidency. Again, we don’t matter, only Florida matters. Well, the Florida Supreme Court has decided to let the recount last until Sunday, at which time, a final number ABSOLUTELY MUST be reached. So if they don’t count your vote before Sunday, then it doesn’t get counted. That sounds about fair. The Bush people are pissed off at the decision. He feels that the decision of who is to be president should be decided by Florida state law, not the will of the people. I’m really getting annoyed at this whole process. I think we should just put it off another year. Clinton did pretty good with the country in the past 8 years. We’re off the ground and in the air. Let’s just let er coast for a year, and then we’ll sort all this mess out. Besides, what did our forefathers know about the length of a presidential term? A lot of new crap has happened since that damn Constitution was written. Washington chopped down a cherry tree and couldn’t tell a lie, and Clinton shoved a Cuban up Monica’s (insert your own vaginal euphemism) and redefined the age old word “is.” I’m kinda sick of all this legal garbage. Both sides are starting to look like sore losers. They both remind me of soccer coaches that blame the ref for their loss after the game is over. Whine, whine. And now those poor Floridians have to spend all weekend counting these chad things. “No thanks, that’s enough turkey for me. I have to go back to the office and count those tiny fucking pieces of cardboard for the rest of the weekend. Save me some cranberry sauce.” Well, at least this close race proves that every vote counts. Unless you didn’t quite punch the hole all the way through. In which case, it gets thrown out.

Kevin (my idiot friend that not only moved to Portland, but got married in the process) called the other day to tell me his plans for the trip home this Thanksgiving and also to thank me for the George Foreman Grill Mike and I got him for the wedding. Anyway, he went on to say how much he uses the thing, and the following conversation ensued…

Quote Of the Day 11/17/00

Kev: “Yeah, it works great. It was the first gift we actually used when we got back.”
Me: “Cool. It cooks fast, doesn’t it?”
Kev: “Yes it does. Our food was ready so fast, we weren’t even hungry yet.”

I must have mistakenly got him the one with the back to the future knob.

Done with the word “elector” for another 4 years,

Lord Extendo.

Still Standing Right Here…

Negative Hour Man

Negative Hour Man

Well, I finally found out why the car I bought cost $1000 less than every other car in the lot. I have hit every combination and sequence of buttons possible and still can’t turn the damn clock back an hour. I knew I shoulda waited another 3 weeks to buy the thing. So now I’m constatly doing math trying to figure out what time it is in the car. That math being subtracting 1 from the hours column, but it’s still math. So I’m just gonna have to live with the math for another 5 1/2 months. That, and the car won’t start when it’s under 40 degrees. I’m naming the car Buccaneer. (Only really nerdy football guys will get that one.)

So anyway, Tony and me and probably somebody else or two went out to Bennigans a while back and I ordered the Buffalo Shrimp, which was common to me, as I’ve worked there for a while, but Tony had never heard of it…

Quote Of the Day 11/16/00

“Buffalo Shrimp? What’s that, like Doug Flutie on a bun?”


They mock because they’re jealous. And because the guy’s really freakin short! I can’t believe his mom let’s him play football.

Always an hour ahead,

Negative Hour Man.

Still Standing Right Here…