Not Necessarily an Ass Hole

Not Necessarily an Ass Hole

Well, the Dr. Laurel actually told me to bring my shoe to my appointment Thursday. Like the left one. I have no idea where they are. I’ll probably have to get them back out of storage. So I may be able to limp around without the brace as of this coming Thursday. According to her. So we’re just gonna play it by ear anyway. And by “we,” I mean “me,” and by “by ear,” I mean “by heel.” But you knew that.

I don’t read many things that make me bust out in laughter out loud. Like everytime I chat on the internet and I type LOL, I’m really not. But L is kinda boring and I don’t think I’m ready to start a new acronym that means laughing, but not really all that loudly. And who the hell rolls on the floor during an internet chat? Anyway, this one made me laugh out loud at work, which meant I had to try to explain it from scratch to my coworkers, which was a pain in the ass. But anyway, it was a written retort on my recent car story. And this quote may be the first actual quote of the day from Europe…

Quote Of the Day 9/29/00

“…in my old mazda rx7, the door on the driver’s side broke, so i had to crawl through the passenger side. i felt like such an asshole, and you just reminded me of that. not that you are an asshole or anything.”

-Naughty Natalia (currently a broad in Italy)

If I can just remind one person of a time they felt like an asshole, my day will be complete.

Et tu Brute?

Little Seizure.

Still Stranded Right Here…

Still Stranded Right Here

Still Stranded Right Here

Every now and again I get that “you need to get your car fixed” slap in the face by Mother Nature, Father Time, Lady Luck, or Jason Geography. The trip to Laurel & Mardy, M.D. was the most recent altercation by Mom and Jason collectively. I was running late, even for Dustin time, so I had to take the handicap spot right in front of the building rather than my normal spot around the other side of the building on one of the better hills I’ve ever seen. I parked and did that “Ah, I’ll deal with it later” thing. Well, I left the office, and later had arrived, and no solution had presented itself in the meantime. I was hoping it was on enough of a hill, which it wasn’t, or that it was dry enough out to get a little traction with my opposite foot to push the car out, which it also wasn’t. I was turned around in my car facing backwards (because I need to push with my right foot), and trying desperately to get the thing out far enough so I could put it in D and take off. But I kept slipping and the car would drift forward the 8 inches that I had pushed it backward every time. I was helpless and looking like a damn fool in front of two ladies out on the benches taking their smoke break. So now what? Well, after Jason and Ma had had enough of a laugh, Dad sent a guy out of the building that was apparently in the lobby watching the entire bitchslap take place. He helped push the car out as I played the part of “I have no idea, it worked yesterday.” And by the way, if any of you work for Progressive Auto Insurance, I’m just kidding.

It poured rain last Monday, which is why it was all wet out on Tuesday when I tried to get my car out of that heathenous parking spot. Well, Russ was out playing soccer in a pick up game like the idiot that he is. He came to sit down on the bench after having been in the game. I offered him to get under my protective umbrella, but he refused…

Quote Of the Day 9/28/00

“Eventually you just give up and become one with the shitty weather.”

-Russ Dog

I think there was a little too much zen in that statement for commentary on a minor rainstorm.

Stuck in the perpetual thunderstorm of broken transmissions,

Squeegeed Cricket.

Still Stranded Right Here…

Return of the Idiot Doctor

Return of the Idiot Doctor

Sorry to keep you all in suspense for so long, but I got the news back from my doc. And I swear sometimes it seems like Laurel and Hardy might as well be in the office working on my heel. I really don’t think they know what the hell they’re doing in there. I mean I’m sure they know their anatomy and passed the cutting up humans part of their medical exams, but it’s like a craps shoot figuring out what they’re gonna tell me about my foot. I mean they recognize my face, and I’m sure they’ve got a lot of patients, but try to remember what you told me last week. Keep a chart or something. Plus there’s this fat guy with a Hitler mustache and a derby running around in black and white getting into fine messes all the time.

To recap on my injury and the newest developments in brief, I do not have to go back under the knife and get restitched or restapled or refastened in any way. There will be no more OR room, and no more talk of bad practice. I’m to keep taking antibiotics and “keep doing what I’ve been doing” since the last visit Thursday. Those words were spoken by my surgeon while I was in the doctor’s office at my appointment. Those exact words will be important later. What I was told to do last Thursday was in my last e-mail, so if you didn’t read it, you’re going to be lost. But anyway, I left feeling positive and happy that I didn’t have to go back under the knife. I was leaving the office and passed my surgeon on her way back in, to which she inquires…

Quote Of the Day 9/26/00

Doc: “Why are you still on crutches.”
Me: (confused) “Because you told me to be. Besides, with my brace set at 110 degrees, I can’t walk on it without inverting my knee.”
Doc: “Oh… well… see you next week.”

And then she called me Alice.

Getting a first opinion,

Sliced Cricket.

Still Stranded Right Here…

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Hey everybody. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. That blanket statement spans quotes, personal e-mails, typed and faxed and/or mailed letters, hand written notes passed back in forth in class, and Windows NE version 2.1.5.6. I got some bad news about my foot last week. When I first got the surgery, I wasn’t given a prescription for antibiotics. I asked her (the surgeon) if she was sure that I didn’t need one, and she said I’d be fine. Then she did that thing I told you about where she shoved my foot very disaggreeably into the boot at 90 degrees and told me to walk around on it without the crutches within a couple of days. She also told me to do exercises. It hurt like a bitch to walk around, but I figure, hey, she’s the doc and she probably knows what she’s talking about, so I’m listening to her. Besides, when she says “rerupture,” I listen.

So I went back in last week, a month after surgery, so she could check on my progress. She said that the wound opened unnaturally much and I may need to go back to the OR room to get it stapled back up. Which would put me back in a plaster cast and basically start me at square one of the healing process, at least as far as how much time it’s going to take. In the meantime, I’m to take antibiotics (I was right), use my crutches as often as possible, set my brace back another 20 degrees, and stop doing my exercises or moving it at all. I find out tomorrow if I need to go back to square one. A lot of people are telling me if I do, I should think about malpractice. Which means “bad practice.” Why do they call it practice? Doctors practice and lawyers try. Who the fuck just actually DOES shit anymore? I guess the term actually DOING something is reserved for the blue collared folk.

Hey. I got a little sidetracked. Malpractice. If they comp the extra surgery, I’ll be fine, but if they charge me for it, I’m looking into malpractice. I don’t think I told a lot of you this, but I don’t have health insurance and I’m paying for this all out of my own very shallow pocket. Anesthesia alone cost me $740. Mind you it was good stuff and I don’t remember a damn thing, but I don’t remember a damn thing from my last night in Reno either, and I’m pretty sure that was just rum and beer and vodka and some other red stuff. But I did throw up all over the place, which I doubt the hospital would have appreciated too much.

Hey, I got sidetracked again. Anyway, I was in a bad mood most of last week and spilling through to the weekend and today because of all this crap and I was in no mood to type. Especially Windows NE version 2.1.5.6 code. So I didn’t really write to anybody. But on a lighter note, Kevin just recently got married in Portland. We all went out to dinner after the wedding and Kevin ordered a shot of JD. The waiter carded him, and Kevin stuck out his hand and showed him his wedding band…

Quote Of the Day 9/25/00

“Well, I don’t know. You could be from Arkansas.”

-Waiter dude.

Substituting West Virginia for Arkansas would probably suffice for people around the MD/PA area.

Coming apart at the seams,

Achilles Heal.

Still Stranded Right Here…

Wide Out Out

Wide Out Out

Well, there’s still no freaking parking in the handicap spots. But there are these “special permit parking only” spots right next to the handicap spots reserved for people who want to get tickets. I just parked there and crossed my fingers, figuring I had a pretty decent case. Anyway, I didn’t get ticketed, so I keep parking there. But it’s not exactly a pull through spot either. However, I have found out that if I wait until everybody leaves, the lot is on enough of a slant that if I put it in forward and ram it into the wall as fast as I can from a dead stop 1 foot away, and quickly shift it into reverse (neutral), I can drift just far enough back to pull out across the other hopefully vacant spots. One time, I had to do it twice when there was another car to my right. And that was from like 4 feet away. Thank God I don’t have air bags. That would have been an embarrassing story to tell.

Russ and Evil Joe went to the ABC-televised Monday Night football game at Fed Ex Field, home of the Redskins to watch them get beat up by Randall Cunningham and Dallas. Joey Galloway, the go-to receiver for Dallas tore his ACL the first game and is now out for the season, while Micheal Westbrook, the go-to receiver for Washington did the same thing to his ACL after last week’s game. So Russ made a sign to try to get on TV…

Quote Of the Day 9/14/00

ACLs
Bench
reCeivers

He must have been in the nose bleed section, because I watched the whole game and only saw a pregnant chick with a star on her stomach.

Backin‘ that ass up,

Slim Gimpy.

Still Stranded Right Here…