Pager Burn

Well, I got a few things to say before I leave you all for a month. I know I probably don’t have to, but I feel a little bad. This will be the longest you guys have gone without a QOTD since probably about December. Anyway, if any of you have been writing me at my BumpSetNet@aol account, stop it. I’m going to dump that account because I don’t use it and it sucks, in that order. Also, I stepped into the world of technology and finally got a pager. So now you guys can get a hold of me anytime you want, and I reserve the option to pretend to have had my pager off so I don’t have to call you back. A lot of you are about to find out if you’re really a good friend of mine or not. I also received my first major burn as a result of having a pager. I was cooking a burger tonight and I happened to have taken it off and set it on the counter right next to me. Well, I had never been paged before, and it was apparently set at 24 decibels. Tony thought it was the smoke alarm. I scared the crap out of myself, which in turn caused me to, for some unknown reason, shove my hand in the grill. I figured out how to set it to vibrate. Anyway, the number is 410-307-3491. Don’t lose it. I refuse to give it to you again. Well, I’m going to critique the superbowl this year. It gets 9 bugs. It was an awesome game that came down to one singular yard on one hand, but on the other hand, Buffalo wasn’t in it and that massive party we were supposed to have that was going to involve about 20-25 people boiled down to 5. Me, Tony, Good Joe (who had come down Saturday night), Jason, and Jess, who didn’t even want to be there, but got snowed in. Everybody called and canceled on us with little wussy excuses about how they were stuck in their car on 95 facing the wrong way and shit. Well, y’all suck. You stuck the five of us with 20 beef patties, 12 soft pretzels, 10 chicken breasts, 30 buffalo wings, about 3 pints of cheese dip, beacoup de salsa and tortilla chips, and 3 1/2 cases of beer, which is an intolerable amount of food. And Joe and Jess weren’t drinking. Well, I didn’t quite finish all 37 of my share. I think somebody like maybe Andre the Giant could handle 37 cans of beer, but I’m a pretty convincing lightweight. I traditionally need to be cut off somewhere midway through my 4th. But it was a great game, and it would have been cool if there were other people to jump up with and scream when shit happened. Oh well.
We actually had the superbowl party a few days late. The volleyball team was coming back from our match at Navy and everybody was starving and broke and thinking “Damn! If only there were someplace that we could go that had lots of free food and beer!” So about 15 of us went to my place late Wednesday and finished off most of the stuff. It was the best superbowl party I ever had. If only we had the game on tape! So anyway, I’m thinking about hosting another Superbowl party in a few weeks.
I’ll let you know how that pans out.

We were coming back from the aforementioned trip to Navy when Lauren inquired about my cat…

Quote Of the Day 1/31/00

Lauren: “Is you cat still in heat?”
Me: “No.”
Clint: “Why not, did you take care of that?”

Actually, Jason’s the one trying to have babies with it.

Good luck in my absence,
Pager Boy X.

Still Standing Right Here…

Rating The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

thomas crown affairI saw I really good movie last night on DVD. It’s a little known movie called the Thomas Crown Affair. Actually, I didn’t hear about it as much as I think I should have. Everyone that I talked to said it was really good and I believed them, but I think they should have been more animate about it. Like nobody actually went out of their way and told me to go see it without first being prompted. Like I’m doing to you right now. That’s what people weren’t doing.
So it starts out with a really good action scene in which a couple of guys steal an expensive impressionist painting. That immediately sets the tone for the film. In the next scene, a couple of cops show up and hypothesize what they think happened when the sexiest version of Renee Russo anyone’s ever seen shows up and throws wrenches all over the place (not literally). It looks like a really good Columbo-type mystery that I haven’t seen in a while. Except nobody’s dead. So I’m psyched to find out what happens next. Then 45 minutes into the film, I got scared. It started to turn into a romance. I figured they had just wasted a perfectly good storyline by turning it into a romance. About half an hour later, it got better again. The last couple scenes fixed everything I had questioned about the film to that point. It actually knew of its flaws, which weren’t really flaws at all, because they were resolved. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s because I’m not making sense. Well, for example, I had figured that it was just a romance story, but they showed me that they just needed to use romance as a plot device to further along the whole mystery angle. And I was pissed that they didn’t resolve Dennis Leary’s character. But with 5 minutes left, just before time ran out, they did. And the close to last scene was an excellent climax just where it needed to be. Anyway, go see it. They’re grammar is a lot better than mine. 9 1/2 bugs.

I had to go to somewhere on campus I usually don’t go, and I felt like I had entered another universe. It was weird. All they talked about was politics. And they kept laughing. I had no idea what they were talking about. Occasionally I recognized a name, like Strom Thurmond, but I was lost. I felt so stupid. Then I realized that to them, that stuff is like sports is to us over in the Retriever Activities Center. They’d probably be lost if we started talking about the Australian Open, I’d bet. Or maybe I really am just stupider than them. Anyway, I was speaking with another two ladies and a third lady who I swear to God I’ve never seen before walked into the office. We stopped talking as we noticed she needed to say something, and just before she started telling Norma what she came to say, she glanced at me and said “Oh, Hi Dustin” and continued on talking to Norma. I was stunned by this. I had no nametag on, and I hadn’t ever been in that building in the past year, let alone that office.
Was I really that popular? Or notorious? Or drunk?

Quote Of the Day 1/28/00

Me: (to Norma, after she left) “How did she know my name?”
Norma: “She probably watches Cops.”

Or maybe she’s a member of the AOL Video Personals.

Holding out for a cyberbabe,

Still Standing Right Here…

More Than One Way to Fix a Cat

You know what? I remember who we were talking to. I was right. They’re unimportant.

Quote Of the Day 1/28/00

“Actually, we don’t need to get the cat spayed. We just need to get its vocal cords removed.”

While we’re at it, let’s at least take a sander to those f*@#ing claws.

Bleeding in the bad way,
Scratched Cricket.

Still Standing Right Here…

Our Horny Catshark

Let me describe to you, in case I forget and don’t get a chance to, the difference between our cat when she’s in heat, and when she’s in just normal vicious piranha mode. Normally, when you try to do something risky like… say… pet it, you have a 50/50 chance of survival. Continual petting increases the likelihood of pain. In fact, it’s almost like the “how many licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop?” commercial. How many pets before your hand gets pierced and held with her two claws, bit relentlessly, and kicked with her hind legs much like I would imagine a small kangaroo with really sharp claws would do? And this is provided she’s not in a bad mood. Sometimes, petting isn’t even required. You could just not be paying attention, have your hand on the arm of the recliner with remote in hand, and all of a sudden… JIGGY ATTACK!!! And she won’t let go or give up as easy. The easiest way to get her off of you is to lift your arm up in the air. But it’s also the most painful because she doesn’t let go. She’ll get a few more kicks in before her claws slide down your naked arm, drawing blood on occasion. So instead, you have to wiggle, maneuver and distract, much like a championship boxer does. When they fight cats. It has a lot of pent up anger in it that it enjoys expressing as noted by the scars up and down my forearm.
Then it gets horny. For like an entire week. It won’t bite or scratch, no matter how much you instigate. Trust me, I’ve tested it to certain limits I shouldn’t be telling Tony and Jason about. It just mopes around crying and rubbing up against your leg, arm, foot, or whatever it can. It’s really cute and a deserved break from the norm. It makes you think she likes you until you see her rubbing up against the kitchen table and couch just as affectionately. And I would certainly prefer this behavior with the exception of the fact that she won’t shut up at night. She just sits outside all of our respective bedrooms crying all night until somebody goes out and wraps her up in duct tape. Which is usually me. Well, somebody has to be the bad guy. Anyway, Tony and I were on the phone with… well, I forget. It’s unimportant. And if it was any of you, I apologize for calling you unimportant, but… well, they asked why we haven’t gotten the Jigsaw fixed yet, to which he interjected…

Quote Of the Day 1/25/00

“Well, Jason wants to try to have babies with it first.”

I always knew he was the kinky type.

Ignoring those noises in the night,

Still Standing Right Here…

The Jessup Mafia

The Jessup Mafia

Hey. It snowed again. A lot. But just to throw a little wrench into things, it alternated snow, sleet, and rain. So there are a bunch of different layers out there, but ice is at the root of all of them, which makes for much more fun driving. I knew I was going to have problems when I started fishtailing around a corner in my sneakers. Never a good sign. But it does make driving a lot more “fun.” I’ve gotten the controlled fishtail down to a science now. I was passing people on 95 who had skidded out of control into guard rails and were facing the wrong way and what not. Good Joe, wus that he is, asked me to slow down and stop doing donuts on the aforementioned major interstate. He was a little concerned about the aforementioned backwards cars. They just obviously couldn’t drive. Modern day Darwinism at work.

There’s a cool game a few of us have been playing recently called “Mafia.” I’ll spare everyone the details, but Russ is really good at guessing who is in the Mafia. I don’t understand it. It’s like he’s been given one talent in his life, and this is it. How unfortunate. But anyway, he’s really good at the game. In fact, he’s so confident sometimes, that he lays $5 down on the table for anybody to take and says he’ll bet that $5 that Julie or whoever is in the mafia. We questioned why just $5 if he was so confident. Then he showed us the glaring emptiness of his wallet with the absence of the dollar bill. Well, the game ended, proving Russ correct again, and he sighed a sigh of relief, picked up his money and said…

Quote Of the Day 1/24/00

“Thank God! Now let’s put this money back in my wallet. In fact, let’s put it in with this condom where I’m bound to not find it again for a good long while.”

-Russel “Mafia Killer” Johnson

That’ll really get you in good with a girl. Heat of passion, you pull out a condom and a $5 bill at the same time. But that’s probably you’re type. 😉

Carrying condoms and 57 cents in change,


Still Standing Right Here…