Cold Nuts

You know what? I type too much.

Quote Of the Day 11/30/99

“(After almost getting kicked in the nuts) That was close! Good thing it’s cold out here.”
-Drewy D.

Still Standing Right Here…

Busted Headlights and Backup Middle Hitters

Well, everybody on 175 and 95 the past few weeks have been playing padiddle with my car. For about 3 weeks, I’ve been driving with only one headlight (but with Three Marlenas). And I’m pretty sure it pointed straight down. And it was on the left side of the car, so if I wanted to read any sort of sign at all, I had to blind whoever happened to be in front of me with my brights. But now that problem is over. The other headlight went out. What the hell is that? What are the odds of both headlights going out less than 4 weeks apart from each other? Then I started to think about it. I’m just gonna guess that they were both put in at about the same time. And they were probably both the same kind and when one is on, the other is always on too. So I guess the answer to the question is pretty high. So now I have to drive with my brights on all the time. I imagine that gets really annoying to people. But the problem is that people coming at me can easily flash their brights or honk their horn or express their discontent in other ways. But people in front of me just have to keep driving along while being blinded by my lights, wrapped up like a deuce, another roamer in the night. Or they could slam on the breaks and let me rear end them. But it’s either that, or drive without lights, which is probably much more dangerous. But they don’t know that. So they just think I’m a dick. Oh well. I just hope these lights weren’t put in at the same time as the regular headlights.

To continue my New Jersey cop story, the cop eventually let me off after frisking my middle hitter, as I already told you about. Lauren was jealous that they didn’t frisk her. I guess he’s just not into that. Anyway, he saw that I was lost and helped me by leading me back to the hotel along the back roads, which would have taken me hours and at least 5 more illegal turns, I’m sure. And I realized that he hadn’t yet seen that I didn’t have one of my headlights. So I turned on my brights, hoping he wouldn’t know that they were my brights and knowing he didn’t know I only had one headlight. Well, after I got back to the hotel safely, he turned around, rolled his window down, and said on the way out “Don’t drive with your brights on son, and get that headlight fixed as soon as possible.” Damn he’s good. So anyway, I was telling this story to Geoff and Stryker and they wanted to know which “middle hitter” the guy frisked. I told them it was Andy, and they got this look on their face that I could tell was the equivalent of “who dat?” So I told Stryker it was actually my back-up middle hitter…

Quote Of the Day 11/29/99

“What is that? A strap-on?”
-Strike Force

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to call a back slide or a 2-ball without laughing.

Sticking to bowling,
Coach.

Still Standing Right Here…

Review of Being John Malkovich

Being_John_Malkovich_posterIt had been almost two months since I’d seen a truly f*cked up movie (American Beauty), so I thought I’d treat myself to Being John Malkovich while I had the time. Actually, I take that back. Fight Club was more f*cked than the both of them. But as opposed to Fight Club, which was bizarre in form, content, and every other way possible, this film stuck to your pretty standard film-making techniques. There are small glimpses of a nonsensical abstract world, but Spike Jonze (the director), never lets the audience completely fall into it. But be prepared for one of the screwier storylines you’ve even seen. First of all, if you’ve heard that Cameron Diaz was in the film, you were lied to. Her much older and uglier sister is in it. I won’t say too much about the plot, because I don’t want to ruin it, but early on in the film, John Cusak discovers a hole in the back of his office that is actually a portal into John Malkovich’s brain. That’s how the movie went. Throw in a few loosely defined relationships and some truly out of left field plot developments, and there’s the whole storyline in a nutshell. And obvious as it sounds, John Malkovich is what really makes this film work. The enigmatic actor acts as himself acting as himself and sometimes as himself acting as someone else. I’m glad I didn’t think about it this much while watching it. I’d probably still be dizzy. And everybody else in the flick did a decent job, but Malkovich was funny as hell, and it’s nice to see him throwing punches at himself. Literally. I liked the film all in all, but I did feel it drag here and there. Or maybe I was just too damn tired. It’s hard to tell anymore with my 10 jobs and all. But I do know it was good. And original. And quite possibly the most off the wall plot done in the style of a “normal” drama that ever existed. And it worked. 7 bugs.

I just noticed that I haven’t yet mentioned that I got pulled over by the cops in New Jersey while coming back from the movies with half the volleyball team in my car. I would like to take this opportunity to once again voice my discontent for New Jersey roads, applying to both the individual roads themselves, and the road system as a whole. Very specific conditions have to be met for you to be able to make a left turn in this state. There have to pretty much be no cops around. There, that’s pretty specific. I’ll explain more later, but I really want to be done typing soon. Anyway, he pulled me over and I had to get out of the car to answer a few questions and then he decided he was going to let me go after he searched the vehicle. This apparently involved him frisking my middle hitter. I was telling this story to Geoff and Stryker and Geoff chimed in right at about this point…

Quote of the Day 11/19/99

“He frisked your middle hitter? Is that some sort of euphemism for your dick?”
-Mr. Geoff

I’m just glad he didn’t try anything with my defensive specialist.

Bonding with my team,
Coach.

Still Standing Right Here…

Urinal Racing and Cannibalism

Well, one of the up sides of having the new Retriever Activities Center built around me is that they have those new motion sensor bathrooms. Like everything in them runs on motion sensors. The urinals, the toilets, the sinks, the diaper changing machines, everything. I think my favorite thing to do is to wave my arms while I’m taking a whiz and watch the other urinals struggle to flush fast enough. Sometimes I have races with them. But not often. And usually when nobody else is in there. The one annoying thing about all this new technology in the RAC is that when I’m taking a dump and lean up to far, the damn thing flushes prematurely, serving as a bidet. Up until then, I had never really appreciated the purpose of a bidet, but I have to tell you that sometimes when I’m in another bathroom, I miss my bidet. Especially when I need to… I think I’m going to stop that sentence there. Anyway, my point is that a bidet can be practical sometimes. So maybe not all weird things French people do with their ass is bad.

After a long day of playing 4 volleyball matches on Saturday, the team took a trip to the Olive Garden for a nice team bonding dinner. We were all starving and we didn’t see food until about 45 minutes after we sat down. This turned out to be a problem. Clint and I were both famished and couldn’t think of anything else. He suggested that we start drawing straws to see who we were going to kill and eat like in that movie Alive. That’s not exactly what they did in Alive, but that’s not the point. Anyway, we started picking out potential people to eat. We couldn’t eat Milky because we needed him for the games on Sunday, and Drew was just too skinny for our hunger. He suggested Driz…

Quote Of the Day 11/18/99

Me: “I don’t know. Is it really safe to eat Driz?”
Clint: “Sure… I mean, we eat cows.”

And man, after that meal, I would have killed for some of those desserts.

The last course,
Coach.

Still Standing Right Here…

Rating My Jobs

Intramural Coordinator – This is my main job and the reason I have the other 9 jobs I have. It’s awesome most of the time. For the most part, they pay me to play intramurals, which makes me a professional flag football quarterback. But other times, the days just seem so damn long for my salary. I don’t think they pay me enough. Tony thinks I work too hard. He’s right. A+

Volleyball Coach – The only thing that sucks about this job is that I have to stand around in khakis and a collared shirt and watch other people play it. Otherwise, it’s awesome. And if I meet a chick at a club or whatever, it’s easier to understand “volleyball coach” than to describe my real job. And it sounds cooler than “bank examiner.” A+

Bowling Professor – I’m teaching this class in this coming winter session, so I can’t describe it yet, but I like going into bowling alleys now and acting cocky. I run down the lane to fix a pin. “It’s OK. I’m a bowling teacher.” And it pays much more than it should. A

Lifetime Fitness Professor – I should have never been teaching that class. I know more about quantum physics than I do about lifetime fitness. OK, I’m bluffing, but you get the point. It was a pain in the ass at times, but I got through it and convinced most everybody that I knew what I was doing. And I got a couple dates with a sexy redhead out of it too. 😉 A-

Varsity Volleyball Announcer/DJ – This job is fun and relatively painless except when I had to announce American’s starting team. Of the six players, I think there were 7 total vowels in their first and last names combined. And there were at least that many z’s. A

Soccer Scoreboard Operator – Unless it’s cold out, I just watch the soccer game and get paid for it. They make soccer really easy on people in my position. I have to stop the 45 minute clock maybe 3 times a half if that. And if the game is on the turf, which most of them were, I just have to keep track of the goals scored. And most of the games end 3-1 or so. Real easy, real painless. The pay is pretty painless too. A

Basketball Shot Clock Operator – This job has a relatively high responsibility factor. But the fact that it is very easy lightened the load. And I get paid much more than I should when I’d probably be there anyway. A+

Basketball DJ – I like having this job because I get to control what the crowd hears, which is a good amount of power. But the sound system sucks and I often get heckled once the people sitting behind me realize I’m the one in charge of playing the Jackson 5. This is the one job I’d do without if I didn’t mind dicking over my colleagues. And if I was willing to relinquish that power to someone who didn’t like 70’s disco. B+

Ice Hockey Announcer/DJ – I have mixed emotions about this one. First off, it’s cold. Secondly, I’m supposed to play something every time the whistle blows, which happens a lot. I play about an average of a song a minute real time, which translates to a total of about 80 or so songs. And I don’t know anything about hockey which doesn’t help, but they pay me good anyway. I don’t get it either. A-

Day Camp Director – I’ll be in charge of up to 200 6-12 year olds. God save us all. Also a good thing to tell selective chicks I’m trying to pick up. A

Ravens Boy – I set up inflatable pepsi cans and assorted football related games outside Ravens Stadium before games. It’s a fun way to spend the day and I get to see the game for free when I’m done. And I think I’m that much closer to being the starting quarterback. A-

And in case any of you remember the Buffalo comeback in the last minute of the game a few weeks back…

Quote Of the Day 11/16/99

“And once again, the Ravens stole defeat from the jaws of victory.”
-Andy (Ref Guy)

The same applies for my Philadelphia fans on most Sundays.

Nevermore,
Squawking Cricket.

Still Standing Right Here…