Review of Big Daddy

Review of Big Daddy

Hey guys. Did you see what I just did there? I did that thing where I don’t do a quote for a few weeks at a time. I apologize, but I fell for somebody and I’ve been spending all my time with her the past two weeks. She’s almost 8 and she can do the 10 string double helix looking gimp thing. And she’s a redhead too. I’m sure you guys understand. Actually, I hope you don’t.

I owe you all a movie review. I went to see Big Daddy the weekend it came out. Now I’m not a huge Adam Sandler fan, but I liked Happy Gillmore and Waterboy for what they were worth. They made me laugh a lot and that was all I expected from them. That was also all I expected from this film. I read a preview by a critic on all the movies that were supposed to come out this summer. His entire comment on Big Daddy was “Adam Sandler raises a kid. What, you need more? I’m betting he makes some faces and uses funny voices. God save us all.” What I got was a lot more. It wasn’t a typical Adam Sandler movie. Don’t expect Billy Madison. This film has a good storyline and a few sad parts. It was probably as close an equivalent as Adam Sandler will get to a Truman Show role. I wouldn’t go so far to say he was a good actor when it came to the sad parts. In fact, it didn’t even seem at times like he was trying to act. Like it would ruin his reputation or something. Anyway, my point is that the film is very good on many levels. Don’t get me wrong, it was very funny. Just not your typical silly funny that his films are famous for. And the kid in it steals the show for the most part anyway. He was absolutely great. Even better than the Jerry MacGuire kid everybody loves so much. And leaps and bounds better than young Anakin. Tony keeps telling me that he doesn’t see how a kid Anakin’s age could have done a better job. Well, this kid will make you notice. His voice cracks when appropriate and his emotions seem genuine. Of course, he does spend the movie playing Octopus Tag as opposed to fighting the forces of evil from a space pod. I guess his job was a little easier, but he was still much better. Overall, I give the film 8 1/4 bugs. Not quite The Matrix, but a little better than
The Mummy. You might want to take a bug or two off of that if you don’t like kids as much as I do.

This quote came from one of those orientation things where all the potential freshmen come to a pool party and Stryker and I take turns hitting on the 17-year-olds. Well, Steve showed up and brought his quick wit with him as usual. Lauren and I had been talking about gimp before he showed up, and when he walked into the conversation, she was just asking me if I could remember to get her some of “that stuff” for tomorrow. Steve asked what “stuff” she was talking about. I told him she was talking about me stealing gimp from our art supplies for her, to which he responded…

Quote Of the Day 6/25/99

“So I guess that makes you a ‘gimp pimp,’ eh?”

-The original white Steve

Ordinary assistant day camp director by day, ruthless gimp pimp by night.

Back again and tired,

Mr. Whistlehead.

Still Standing Right Here…

The Cliche Doctor

The Cliche Doctor

You guys know what I’ve been doing recently? I’ve been actually consciously thinking about the meaning of the clichés that everybody, including myself, uses in daily speech. Most of them are quite stupid. I’ve compiled a list of what I feel are some of the stupidest common sayings that I’ve ever heard:

“The ball is in your court”
This is said when you make some sort of move that takes the burden of needing to do something to further the situation off of your shoulders and puts it on someone else’s. In other words, it is their turn. My problem with this cliché is that I don’t know what it is in reference to. I assume that the presence of a ball and a court makes some sort of analogy to a sport. But I don’t know which one. What sport is played on two courts? I’m guessing whoever said this first was trying to make an allusion to volleyball or tennis, but was unaware that the two sides of the net were actually the same court. In my book, if you’re on a different court, you’re playing a different game. Recommendation: Change it to “The ball’s on your side,” or “Your move,” or “Here. Take this.”

“When it rains, it pours”
No it doesn’t. If every time it rained, it poured, we’d have no basis for comparison between the two words, thus eliminating one of them from the English language entirely. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours. Recommendation: Change it to “Damn, it’s pouring,” or “Wow! Won’t you look at that rain coming down out there,” or “Hell’s bells! Ethel, go get the umbrelly, it’s a rainin’ like the Dickens out here.”

“Farting around”
Let’s think about how that phrase originated. Were there just a bunch of guys who needed to be somewhere one day, but choose to pass gas with each other instead? “Hey Earl, weren’t you supposed to go to that bridge game with your wife?” “Yep. Pass the chili.” Recommendation: Use the term “fucking around.” At least I could better understand where that one came from. If you have a hang-up about cursing, “screwing around” will suffice.

Enough of that. I need to sleep sometime tonight. Mr. Geoff (camp director) and Miss Jeanie (secretary) were bickering about something trivial, when Jeanie’s mom, who is a secretary upstairs, came down and made some smart ass comment to the effect of how they needed to get along better. She then proceeded to say “Well, at least it’s cute how you guys wear the same clothes (they had the same day camp shirt on today). To this, they continued…

Quote of the Day 6/24/99

Miss Jeanie: “Yeah, Geoff. What are you wearing tomorrow?”
Mr. Geoff: “I was thinking about a low-cut sun dress. Is that good for you?”

Little does he know I still have his matching pumps from last Friday.

Just farting around,

Mr. Whistlehead.

Still Standing Right Here…

Mr. Taxi

Mr. Taxi

Well, the perks of my job just don’t stop. I get to go to see Tarzan with 45 chicks tomorrow. I like my chances. And a lot of the older girls ask me why all the other girls like me, and I honestly don’t know. I think it’s just because I treat them like normal adults. Tiny, stupid adults. Actually, I think I figured it out. I think I unintentionally pit them against each other in competition for my attention. It’s probably not emotionally healthy, but it’s a damn fun game! Now, if only I can harness this talent, and somehow manipulate the basics a bit to be able to control the minds of older women. Like 18 and 17 year olds. Then, I could complete my life and write that book. But for right now, I guess I’ll have to settle for the 9 and 10 year olds. They learned a new game today where they con Mr. Dustin into spinning them around until he falls down on his stomach. Then two kids grab each arm and pull me like a taxi around the gym with another person sitting on my back. I hope this game doesn’t become too popular.

Well, my car (the old, nonfunctional one) is finally getting towed tomorrow. And once I raise the money to get the other one inspected, I’m going to have a fully functional, non-illegal car. I already got it insured, as I already told you all. The reason I’m repeating myself now is two-fold. A) I’m exhausted, and B) I’m setting up the quote. Because I can’t remember anything creative right now (See A), I’m quoting my insurance agent when he was filling out my application over the phone. He asked me a bunch of questions about the car (year, make, model, dead bodies in the trunk…), and he asked me a question I guess he’s required to ask, but I found rather silly and pointless to answer…

Quote Of the Day 6/22/99

“So, Mr. Fisher… do you wear your seat belt?”

-AAA Man

“Only when I get pulled over.”

Non stop from here to the nurse’s office,

Mr. Taxi.

Still Standing Right Here…

New York vs. Texas

New York vs. Texas

Well, over the weekend, the longest game in Stanley Cup history took place. It went into a third overtime, and was watched by me from both our apartment, a restaurant, and a bar afterward. Dallas beat Buffalo 2-1 for those of you who care. And here’s an interesting point I feel I have to make because it’s kind of cool (note: I said “interesting,” not “funny”). This is the first time ever that two teams from different cities in the same state were competing against two teams from different cities in another state in both the Stanley Cup finals and the NBA finals. While Dallas was beating Buffalo in hockey, San Antonio was beating New York on alternating night. Kinda cool, huh? Well, maybe just to me. And Bob Costas.

Well, I want to make this quick, because I need to be bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked for my 10-year-old fan club tomorrow morning. If I haven’t had my beauty rest, those playful games of “Get Mr. Dustin” could turn fatal for the kids. Well, I was watching the basketball version of the Texas/New York war of the athletes tonight, when Charlie Ward (93 Heisman Trophy winner turned point guard (it’s a long story)) dribbled the ball upcourt and tried some fancy Michael Jordan move and seriously fell over to the ground and lost the ball. To this, Bill Walton and whatever other sarcastic commentators that happen to accompany him, decided to comment (since it’s their job) on the play…

Quote of the Day 6/21/99

“Now that’s not what Charlie Ward does. Charlie Ward and Chris Childs [back-up point guard] are best when they just dribble the ball up and give it to somebody else.”

-Bill Walton

I love the subtlety of this insult. That’s basically as politely as they could say on national television, “These guys ain’t worth a shit.” But they’re still better than Chris Dudley.

Pointless guard,

Mr. Crossover.

Still Standing Right Here…

Review of “Election”

Review of “Election”

Well, I’m going to critique a less controversial film this time. If there are any die-hard Election fans out there, please turn your eyes away now. I’m afraid to give anything a bad review anymore, but I figure any movie produced by MTV is a safe bet. Maybe I’ll do Joe’s Apartment next week.

Anyway, here are the basics: This supposedly attractive (Reese Witherspoon), meticulously stubborn teacher’s pet-type runs unopposed for class president until her spiteful, annoyed for a reason (Matthew Broderick) teacher and guidance counselor of some sort convinces the out of commission, everybody loves you high school quarterback (some Keanu Reeves look and act-alike) to oppose her, accidentally causing his younger lesbian sister (some dike) who just had her girlfriend stolen by the aforementioned quarterback to run against him in order to think she’s getting some sort of revenge. And that’s just one plot. It’s got teachers having sex with students, blackmail, extortion, and no real hero. Every time you thought you found some moral compass, they changed direction on you. Actually, I liked the movie in spite of myself. There wasn’t much to it. They’re most expensive “special” effect was an overhead camera zooming out fast. The story was well written, with too many twists and turns to possibly be able to be predicted. And even when you predicted one, you enjoyed seeing it happen. It was simple. It was cheesy. But it worked. And it was damn funny. It’s only problem was that it has a couple of different codas after the main story ends, and I always hated that. It’s like watching the end of a basketball game that your team won by 25 points. You are forced to stay in the theater even after you’ve climaxed and had your deep breath and optional cigarette (can I cram any more analogies in here?). I think half the theater already started putting their jackets on with 10 minutes left in the movie. But this is admissible if it is the only flaw in the film. I am going to give Election 7 1/2 bugs. It was really good for what it was. It just wasn’t an 8 bug movie.

This quote is hearsay, but I do accept such quotes, especially when I am low on fuel. My sister apparently has a friend with a convertible Mercedes and lots of other cool toys. Char (aforementioned sister) was given the right to drive the vehicle and used this opportunity to show it off to the family. She pulled up to the video store and my mom was standing outside. Char turns to my mom and addresses the question…

Quote of the Day 6/18/99

“Hey ma. How does this look on me?”

-Charfish.

Slightly better than the ’79 wheelless 3 shades of green Maverick that’s been in our parking lot for 2 years.

Love, pink hats, and volleyballs, (for old times sake)

Dustin.

Still Standing Right Here…