Review of Mystery Men and Sixth Sense

Review of Mystery Men and Sixth Sense

Well, I saw a bunch of movies since I did my last movie review. I’m going to review two of them today. One gets 11 bugs, and one gets one bug. One had a boy who could see ghosts, and one had a guy named “The Shoveler.” One is currently waiting for the two week shock value period to be over so it can officially be named my new favorite film, and one has no ascernable cinematic value at all. One is like a Twilight Zone on an $80 million budget, and the other has a guy that farts on people for a theoretical laugh. One had me leaving the theater in tears, and the other had me leaving the theater in tears.

Mystery Men was awful. I was 85% sure it would be, but I was so happy to be out of the freaking hurricane, I didn’t care what movie I was watching. And trust me, being cold and wet had no effect on how bad I thought this film was. You could be dry, warm, eating an Entemens Double Chocolate Cake and getting a Kathy Ireland massage and still see that this movie sucked. I suppose it was supposed to be a farce of an action movie, but it didn’t make it as a comedy. I don’t think I ever actually laughed. I thought about it twice, and I recognized their attempts to force humor, but I don’t think I ever experienced the actual involuntary reflex itself. The idea was great, but the plot was silly, the acting wasn’t even all that good (and I love Jeanine G.), and the little one-liners that are designed to make action movies funnier just weren’t funny at all. I think it might have even been a better film if the boom mic was in every other shot. And the guy from Fargo just randomly had a black family. Now, it’s OK that he did, but I really feel like maybe one line of explanation was necessary. I didn’t get it. There was one decent scene when the 3 main characters were discussing Captain Amazing or whatever he was, and drawing parodied parallels to Superman. That was sorta funny. And the fact that Captain Amazing had sponsors was a good poke at corporate America.

Together, those gimmicks mustered up a lonely lousy bug in my book. A Superbug!!!, but just one bug nonetheless. Now Sixth Sense blew me away. I expected it to be good the way everybody I knew was talking about it, but I didn’t think it would be that good. And I’m going to have a tough time talking about it without giving any important information away to the people who still haven’t seen it. So you’re just going to have to trust me. If you haven’t yet seen it, don’t associate with anyone who has. Don’t watch a trailer of the film. Don’t fall asleep, do any homework, or see, smell, taste, hear, or touch anything until you see this movie. Don’t even pass go. It’s the best way, trust me. Then you can go about the rest of your life as you normally would have. If you feel the urge to bring me a chocolate milkshake in the meantime, I suppose I’ll let you do that too. And I always thought having a sixth sense would be cool. Not if it’s this one. Of course, I always thought my sixth sense would be like the sense of flight or seeing through clothes. At any rate, I’m giving this film that I refuse to say anything about 11 bugs. I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever go above 10 bugs, but Sixth Sense is better than A Bug’s Life. In a very different way, I might add. I had no other choice. Go see it. Now!

Well, I don’t actually have a quote about either film to use, but I can almost have a segue. There are few films I would actually give 10 bugs or more to, and one of them is the topic of today’s quote. I have mp3s. Upwards around 900 of them. Of everything possible. I have one mp3 2 seconds long of a quote from Back to the Future. Somewhere between 2Pac and 38 Special, Geoff heard it come out of my speakers…

Quote Of the Day 9/10/99

Geoff: “Did somebody just say 121 jiggawatts?”
Me: “Actually, somebody just said 1.21 jiggawatts.”
Geoff: “Oh. I usually round up.”

I guess he rounds up to the nearest 121.

Searching for a much less scary 7th sense (and a much less sucky superhero flik),
Captain Sarcastic.

Still Standing Right Here…

Long Fence University

Well, they decided to do more construction on UMBC’s campus today. I didn’t think they could find any more room. They’regoing to level the golf range (it’s about time) and make a looooonnnnnng grasspractice field out of it where people who play real sports can practice. I justcan’t wait until the day when the entire University is completely saturated in construction.We’ll be building piles of dirt out of other piles of dirt and tearing downbuildings before they’re finished being built. I’ve already started tellingpeople that I’m in charge of intramurals for Long Fence University. And they’reofficially changing the name of the Loop to Stop Sign Central. When I graduateda year and 4 months ago, you could drive around the loop and only have to stopat two stop signs and a light. If it was red, of course. Otherwise, you’relikely to cause an accident. Well, today, you would need to (or at least you’resupposed to) stop at seven stop signs and that same light. Pretty soon they’regoing to lose perspective and start putting them up where there aren’t even intersections.Once they start doing that, I’m leaving LFU permanently. But I’m just going todrive around the thing without stopping until I get pulled over first. That’llshow ‘em!

This quote came from a pool party I went to with Tony. Tony and I were in thepool making conversation with (flirting with) this cute girl who mentioned thather sister was going to school for theater (or music or something; I was busylooking at her boobs) in Boston. The following conversation ensued…

Quote Of the Day 9/8/99

Me: “Is she going to BU?”
Tony: “No, she’s going to be herself.”

Get it? BU=be you! See, it’s funny now, isn’t it?

Loving Velveeta’s logo,
Rick Hemarten.

Still Standing Right Here…

Water Water Everywhere

Water Water Everywhere

A while ago I criticized the saying “whenit rains, it poors” because of the fact that if this was true, there wouldbe no basis of comparison, thus making one of the terms void. (It made sense,trust me.) Well, if it turns out that the author of that saying was FromMaryland, my sincerest apologies go out to him for my previous comments. Infact, I believe the saying should read “when it rains, it poors, and itdoes it often.” Here’s what Maryland weather thinks is funny to us. Itdoesn’t rain for three very hot long months of summer, sending Maryland into a droughtwarning with serious water restrictions for over a month. Then it decides thatit’s had fun long enough and it lets loose like a guy who’s been holding in apiss through an entire opera. A 3-month-long opera. Last Thursday, the drought warning was lifted. Last Friday, there was a flood warning. Does this seem likea contradiction on some level to anybody else out there? Just checking…

Quote Of the Day 9/7/99

“That’s not your phone, that’s the monkeys.”

That’s when I tuned into the conversation between Gary and his secretary. Apparently,”I’m A Believer” sounds like Gary’s phone when it’s ringing. It wasfunnier before I knew what it meant.

Building a make-shift ark,
Mr. Cubit.

Still Standing Right Here…

Revenge of My Dad

Today is a very important day in Dustin history for two reasons. For one, it’s my parent’s anniversary, which was a very important step in my conception. Secondly, it’s my dad’s birthday, a hands-down much more imporant step in my conception. Happy birthday, dad. He turned 33 for the 18th year in a row. To help him celebrate, I decided to take the weekend off, drive back up to Pennsylvania, and play tennis with Joe. Actually, my parents and I went to the movies together for the first time in a while. Deciding what to see turned into a game in and of itself. (I’ve never typed “in and of itself” before. Is that really how you spell it?) I wanted to see Outside Providence, mom wanted to see The Muse, and dad wanted to see The Thirteenth Warrior. Dad wound up winning when he remembered that it was his birthday and he needn’t pretend to have to care about our interests anymore…

Quote of the Day 9/6/99
“Hey wait a minute! It’s my birthday! I don’t have to feel guilty about dragging you to see a movie I want to see. I’ve spent an entire year putting up with you guys, I’ve earned the right to make you miserable for an hour and a half.”

- Mr. Dad

I paraphrased a little bit there, but that’s what he meant, what are you, deaf?

Playing pool with a rope,
Mr. Wifflehead.

Still Standing Right Here…

Musical Variations

Musical Variations

Speaking of original ideas for films, here’s something I can really appreciate. Much like the Blair Witch Project, this story is completely concocted with the intention of deceiving the public. A few of you may have heard this, and if not, you may have heard some of the songs. They (Hollywoodish people) invented a character named Chris Gaines who is supposed to have been a pop singer from the early 80s up through a few years ago. They got Garth Brooks to sing a whole bunch of songs that this guy was going to have allegedly written and recorded. They varied the tone of the song to sound like the time period in which it was supposed to have been recorded and varied the subject matter to match up with what they are going to say was happening in his life at the time. “They” are planning on releasing a bunch of songs out on the radio scattered around throughout the next year and hopefully, the public will start to get a rapport with this fellow. Maybe they’ll get the DJs to play up his character and tell stories about him or something. About a year from now, they’re going to start making a movie which is going to basically be an autobiography of this Chris Gaines character. Personally, I love the idea. I can’t think of anything that was done this creatively in a long time that spanned the medias like this. I just hope they don’t fuck it up, which is always a possibility…

Quote Of the Day 8/16/99

“You wanna know what I figured out today? Livin La Vida Loca is the best song to wake up to in the morning. Because not only is it happy and upbeat, but it really makes you want to turn it off.”
-Good Joe.

Leaving Latino Locusts,
De Fishy One.

Still Standing Right Here…