Professional Car School Advice

You know, I’ve finally figured out the secret to my car. It makes a lot of unnatural noises when you try to do certain things in it. Like accelerate. Well, the key to a smooth ride in my car, is to block out those sounds. I’ve found that turning the music up really loud helps a lot. And I’ve noticed that if you don’t look at the driver’s side mirror ever, you can hardly notice that it’s falling off. I’m trying to apply this skill to other areas in my life as well. I once read an article that said that taking an aspirin daily with a shot of bourbon reduces a person’s awareness of heart attacks. I wonder if this principle also works with dirty laundry. And student loans.

Well, thankfully, one of my best friend’s happens to be a Car major at GMI Institute (which in its written out form, is General Motor’s Institute Institute). So I tell him all the problems I’m having with the car and he says some words I don’t understand and I nod my head and go “ooooh, ok,” and then we play tennis. Well, he was in the car and asked me if that light was always on. Apparently, there’s this light on the car that says “Check Engine” that is just always on (I hope). I told him that it was always on, because I think it might be true, but mostly just because I didn’t want him to panic. I asked him if he knew what that meant or how to fix it…

Quote Of the Day 6/18/98

Joe: Oh, yeah. You want to know what would fix that?
Me: Yeah, what?
Joe: A piece of electric tape (as in to cover the little light).

He goes away to Car School to tell me that. His mother must be proud.

Testing the boundaries of child abuse,
Mr. Whistlehead.

Still Standing Right Here…

Can I Graduate

This little thing we call “quote” came over Spring Break last month.

Good Joe, Bad Mike, and Neutral Dustin were driving to somewhere I can’t
remember right now and they asked me about graduation. Or maybe they didn’t,
it’s not important right now. Anyway, the following conversation ensued…


Quote Of the Day 4/24

Dustin: “I’m graduating May 26th… I think.”

Mike: “You think the 26th, or you think you’re graduating?”

Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s the 26th.
Love, teeny weenies, and webbed-feet,

Still Standing Right Here…

Non-Competitive Volleyball and Scattegories Brain Farts

Well, I guess I’m only really calling it the quote of the “day” out of tradition now. But play along, won’t you. It will be a lot less painless for all of us and it may possibly improve your backhand. I played volleyball today in a sort of non-competitive setting (no pun intended) for the first time in a long while. And by non-competitive, I mean these guys thought you got to take the serve over if it hit the net on the way over. And they weren’t really proficient at anything, but they didn’t even understand that you could use the “three hits per side” rule to your advantage. And on one particular play, the ball was up in the air somehow and right above my head. I was going to roll it over the net when some dude from the back row came up and jumped on me to hit the ball over. I gave him a funny, relatively disapproving look and he looked at me and said “It’s OK.” Like he wasn’t mad at me or anything, thank God. Well, I’m glad he wasn’t upset at me for getting in the way of his randomly flailing limbs. Well, anyway, the day as a whole reminded me of just how lucky I am to have two opposable thumbs. (Don’t read into that any, it doesn’t have any other meaning.)
This quote comes from the guy who just gave me a computer yesterday. I want each and every one of you to kiss Don on the lips or at least pinch his butt every time you see him from now on for putting a computer together for me out of his old parts. That reminds me, I got a new free yahoo e-mail account that I’ll be able to use over the summer, so e-mail stuff to me on that account if you can, guys. And let me know if you’ll be on e-mail over the summer too. Well, my address is  I can’t freakin’ believe Extendo was taken. What kind of a bastard has that name? Well, I’m going to mail him and find out. And if he doesn’t have a cool answer to how he got the name, I’m going to mail dump him until his account gets closed on him. Then I’m going to steal his name, the prick. Oh, and also, Fathead was taken too! I can’t believe there are people out there with names as stupid as mine. Well, anyway, we were playing Scattergories earlier last semester and Don was in the game. There are two subjects in a row on one of the category cards: “cars,” and “things that are black.” The letter was “L.” We all read off what kind of car we had, Lamborghini, Lexus, Lincoln… and Don didn’t say anything. We got to things that are black and Don said “limo.” To this, Tony asks what he had down for cars…

Quote Of the Day 4/23

“Oddly enough, I couldn’t think of any.”
-Donald (not the duck)

That’s OK Don. I couldn’t think of a “country bordering the US” that started with “C.”

Searching for the evil yahoo name bandit,
Good Extendo.

Still Standing Right Here…

The Price of a Better Orgasm

Well, it’s that time of the semester again. The time where I realize what is really important in my life and so other trivial things like quote of the day, my RA job, and schoolwork fall by the waist side as I try to conquer every intramural sport and get Extendo over Groucho in the top ten worm rankings before Joe takes his computer back home for the summer. And I only have a month to do it! Better get cracking. On a slight side note, a bunch of us went to King’s Dominion yesterday and it was great! Better than Cats by a longshot! They strapped Tony, Joe and me into this bungee like hammock contraption and raised us 152 feet in the air and dropped us and let us swing around for a while. It was awesome! The funniest part was that Evil Joe, Mr. Testosterone, whining like a little 10-year-old schoolgirl the whole time. About 40 feet off the ground he tried to reach over and grab my pull switch. Everybody is allowed to call him a pansy now.


OK. This quote came when I was reading a few sex statistics that I had gotten over e-mail for a program I did last semester. I was reading them out loud to Tony, Russ and Suzanne. There was one statistic that said that over 500 Americans die every year from asphyxia (lack of oxygen to the brain), because they were trying to get a better orgasm. To this, Tony says…

Quote Of the Day 4/18&19

“OK, raise your hand if you still don’t believe in natural selection.”

Russ raised both of his hands.

Looking for the next best thing,

Still Standing Right Here…

Hour Man

Hey everybody! Don’t forget to set your clocks ahead. That’s right, you lose an hour of sleep tonight. Actually, you lose an hour of playing worms, more likely. And you should have actually set it back already. Last night at 2:00 AM. And I don’t know if you guys have heard this, but this is the last year that we’ll have to set our clocks ahead and back and stuff. The government is instead, going to make the sun rise half an hour later this July. Starting then, it will be re-regulated every week, and we’ll hardly even notice after the first month. Of course, once the asteroid hits us, I imagine that we’ll have to change our clocks by hand again, until they get things sorted out. The coolest thing happened actually when we were supposed to set our clocks ahead. I was working the desk from midnight until 4AM and first of all, it was only 3 hours. That was a kinda neat revelation. But even cooler than that, I found out that I get paid for the entire four hours of it. (I don’t know why, that’s just what they told me to write in the payroll.) So that hour in time existed for me, according to Residential Life. While everybody else either lost an hour of sleep, or work, or socializing during that missing hour, I lived it. That’s right. I was the only person on the planet not affected by the time change. I lived an hour more than everyone else on Saturday. I am “HOUR MAN!”


OK. While I was working the desk, this girl called me up at about 12:30 to ask if today was the day we set our clocks forward. To this, in my new stage of hour man bliss, I answered, “Yep, officially, at 2:00, we’re supposed to set them ahead to 3.” Now I swear to God she actually answered this…

Quote Of the Day 4/3

“Well, what if I’m not awake at two?”
-Some smart-challenged girl

I had to resist the urge to say everything I wanted on the grounds that I would have possibly gotten fired. “Sorry, then you’ll just have to be an hour behind for the next six months.”

An hour older, an hour dumber,
Hour Man.

Still Standing Right Here…